Welcome

Welcome

This blog is a way for couples to improve their marriage through improved intimacy, communication, and love. There are links and a search bar on the left to help you navigate the blog easier. Since this blog is about improving marital intimacy all of the post will discuss some aspect of marital intimacy; however, some posts will cover more than one topic. The tabs on the top of the page are there to help you learn more about our intimacy workshop. This workshop can help couples recover from poor marital intimacy caused by an assortment of problems.

Please feel free to leave feedback and enjoy the adventure.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Emotional Intimacy

I wanted to try something new and see what others thought about emotional intimacy and how they think they increase it in their own marriages. I started interviewing each one of my siblings, their spouses, and my parents on how they increase intimacy in marriage. Each one of them came up with some awesome ideas. It is amazing how over time and through experience you get to know your spouse better and you learn how to grow closer to them. I was grateful the thoughts and feelings they shared with me.

Some of their ideas are as follows:
 Go on walks together 
 Hold hands when in public and private 
Read a book together that you both enjoy 
Give each other massages
Open the door for one another 
Go on weekly dates with each other 
Watch a movie and cuddle with one another 
Talk and listen 
Play a board game together 
Laugh together, cry together 

There are so many different ideas that you could come up with besides what was listed above.

Activity #1
1. Sit down with your spouse and discuss ideas that you two would enjoy that would bring you closer together emotionally. You can use some of what is listed above or come up with your own that are unique to your relationship.
 2. Once you have a list of at least ten different ideas, practice.
3. Take at least 20 minutes each night to practice and grow closer together emotionally.

In Psychology Today there was and article written by Linda and Charlie Bloom and I love what they say about emotional intimacy, “Deep intimacy requires a high level of transparency and openness. This involves a degree of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable or anxiety producing to many of us. These feelings do, however, tend to diminish and even dissolve over time and with practice”. Developing emotional intimacy is not always an easy process to complete within each marital relationship. But like the Bloom’s said the feelings that may come go away over time and with practice, so we need to practice.

Reference:
Bloom, L. Bloom, C. (2013). Stronger at the broken places. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201303/emotional-intimacy

Monday, August 11, 2014

Spiritual Intimacy


Spiritual Intimacy

There are so many ways that couples can grow closer together intimately. One of those ways is through spiritual intimacy and that sometimes can be one of the hardest types of intimacy to achieve. Every individual has a different relationship with God and are all at different levels with Him. Some may not even believe in God. When individuals join together in their faith and beliefs they connect with each other and learn to be spiritually intimate with each other.


This type of intimacy has brought my husband and I closer together on so many different levels! The ways that we increase this level of spiritual intimacy is by praying together every morning and evening, we read scriptures together, we go to church together, and we then take opportunities each week to talk about God or go to church events together. My husband and I are of the same faith so it makes things a little easier because we agree on religious matters.

Focus on the Family is a great resource to help couples increase intimacy in their marriage. The link is here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening_your_marriage/spiritual_intimacy/blending_two_spiritual_lives.aspx

This article on blending two spirituals life has so many great ideas on how to increase spiritual intimacy in your marriage whether you are of the same faith or not. The article points out ideas and misunderstandings that occur when you and your spouse may be of different faiths.

One thing that I want to mention is serving others. Even if you don’t have a strong faith in God or Christ every person here on earth could use some kind of service. Not only can service help us look outside of ourselves but also brings couples together intimately as they strive to serve those around them. On the website focus on the family they mention a few things couple can do together;


Join a small group
Find a common bond that draws you together, but beware of the tendency to get too exclusive with your group. Be open to new members, invite your unchurched neighbors and do outreach together. This will keep your group balanced and life-giving.


Become a mentor to someone younger
Ask God to show you a couple or single person you can take under your wing. Have dinner with them and get to know their dreams, fears and concerns. Use the wisdom God has given you to strengthen and encourage them. When you help someone grow, you grow stronger, too.


Engage in community service
Serve together at a food pantry. Deliver groceries to a shut-in. Visit a widow, an elderly person or a prisoner. Help a single parent by caring for her children and/or helping with house maintenance.


Stay connected to your extended family.
 Be intentional about making plans with family members, and approach family get-togethers with a heart to serve and love.


Be involved with your church family.
 When life gets busy, it can be tempting to disconnect, yet cutting yourselves off from the body of Christ will only hurt you.”

Here is a story told by an author of familylife.com, H. Norman Wright who wrote about a couple who experienced this increase of spiritual intimacy in their marriage,
“The young woman in my office was animated, though not upset. "I never dreamed what has happened in our marriage during the past year was possible," she said. "We've gone along for years just sort of ho-hum. Nothing bad, nothing spectacular—just steady. I guess we were in a rut. It was comfortable, and I guess we felt, or I did, that this was the way it would always be. But Jim came home from that men's conference and made all kinds of changes. Even though they were mostly positive, it took me awhile to adjust.

"The first thing he did was come up to me and apologize for not telling me that he prayed for me every day, and had for years. How would I have ever known? In fact, that's what I started to say, but I caught myself and thanked him for telling me. A week later he asked me how I would feel about praying together and reading from the Bible occasionally. I have to laugh now because it's like he wanted me to but wasn't sure how I would respond. So we did.

"I can't explain why or what happened, but there is this incredible sense of bonding or closeness now that we never had before. We pray, we read, we share. Sometimes I call him and pray a sentence prayer for him over the phone. He does the same. And our sex life is a whole different story. Others have seen our relationship change. And when they ask, we tell them. I guess we're finally experiencing what the Bible says about cleaving in the full sense of the word."

Spiritual bonding. Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual closeness. Desired, yet avoided. Available, yet elusive for so many.”


Just like this couple was able to discover the great addition of spiritual intimacy in their marriage so can you add this into your marriage. It will great bless your lives and you will feel closer together than ever before.

Resources:

"I Got All I Need"




Rascal Flatts - Oklahoma Texas Line

Dr. Jennifer Kunst said, “Troubles in life come when we believe the myth that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  We are taken over by envy, believing that other people have the good stuff and then feeling depressed, anxious, and persecuted by the belief that we have so little.  We are taken over by greed, wanting more and more and more, feeling that what we have cannot ever be enough”.

Sometimes in marriage we do the same thing. We look at the other side of the fence and think, “Hey the grass is greener on that side”. It can be really tempting to go to that other side where the grass looks greener, but is it really?

 Maybe you are not looking hard enough on your side to realize it has been green all along it just needed someone to take care of it. Water, fertilize, mow, and give it the nutrients it needs to become what it used to be. You will have to put forth some work no matter what side of the fence you are on.

We must tend the grass wherever we are. 

 
This song by Rascal Flatts is a good example of a guy who is happy with what he has. He’s got everything he will ever need with his girl by his side. He looks for the qualities in her that makes him happy like her long blonde hair or her big blue eyes. He appreciates how she takes off time from work to be with him and how she loves to have fun with him. He focuses on the positive instead of the negative qualities or things and events that may affect their relationship.

Activity #1

1. Take the time to sit down with your spouse and each of you write down the positive qualities that you like about one another.
2. Divide your paper into two sections. Section one is qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse when you first met. Section two is qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse right now.
3. Over time you will be able to think of more and more qualities that you admire about your spouse, continue to write them down as a good reminder of how much you love them.
4. Take turns sharing what you wrote about one another.


This activity should help you draw closer to one another and to realize the grass is really greener on your side. You are lucky to be with your spouse and you got everything you ever needed.

In an article written by Nathan Feiles, titled, The ‘Grass is Greener’ Syndrome, it says, “When the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on polishing our external environment to soothe a deeper internal dissatisfaction. Though the environment changes when jumping the fence, after a brief internal high, without constant stimulation and newness, the dissatisfaction becomes the same”.

If this is true then it is not the fault of any person, job, house, or any other thing as to why we think the grass is greener on the other side, it is our own fault. The unhappiness is coming from within not from any outside source.  If this is the case then how can we become happy? How can we be satisfied with what we have right in front of us like this song describes?

There are so many different ways on how to be happy and satisfied with the life you have! You can search the Internet and find a million ways but I will share just a few that have helped me.

Stop being frustrated
Sometimes there is nothing you can do and you have no control over people or situations so replace anger with rational thinking. Just stop! When you start to think rationally you will be able to clear your thoughts and find a solution.

Be calm
As you take time to stop and think, meditate. Meditation has helped me to think clearly and purposefully. It also allows me to remember the blessings and gifts that I have received and that makes me very happy.

Don’t compare yourself with others
This is so easy to do and it is one of the biggest things that make you think the grass is greener on the other side. When you compare you don’t feel good about yourself and you become very unhappy.

Live simply and be grateful
You don’t have to own everything you “think” you want. Be simple is the way you live and don’t forget to be grateful for everything you do have.

Become happy today:
 Live life to the fullest and do it on purpose! Be meaningful in how you spend your time and do things with those you love most. Don’t wait until tomorrow to become happy.

James Marshall says, "The grass is greener on the side you water". Take his advice and water the grass that is on your side and it will turn greener than you ever could have imagined. 




Resources:

Monday, June 30, 2014

Count On Me



You Can Count on Me
By: Bruno Mars

Finding trust in your marriage can bring about peace and happiness in your marriage. Learning to count on one another to be there through thick and thin creates a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. You must commit from the beginning to realize that if you and your spouse count on one another, you will find joy in spending time together, you will know you can count on the other to love and support you, and you will find yourself wanting to serve and care for your spouse even more than before. And all of these things together provide the loving, kind relationship that each person desires to have with their spouse.

“Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured” (Heller).

As Heller (2013) states, trust is probably the most important ingredient to marriage. Why is it important to be there for your spouse? That is what marriage is all about. Without trust and being willing to give something up to be there for your spouse shows your spouse that you are more important than anything else. That brings about peace, happiness, and marital satisfaction. See each other and the needs of the other person, and strive to meet those needs so your spouse that know that you will be there for them. The trust between the two of you will grow, and your marriage will be blissful.

Heller (2013) gave some guidelines to building trust in your marriage.

Guidelines give by Rabbi Heller:
1.  Constantly work to improve your communication skills.
    a.  Learn to listen
    b. Use “I-statements”

2.  Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.
    a.  Mistrust occurs when:
            i.    We are afraid of rejection
            ii.   Feelings of being ashamed for having needs

3.  Be positive and give pleasure
    a.  Express 5 positive things before one negative

4.  Don’t allow issues to go unresolved
    a.  Develop problem solving skills
    b. Resentment occurs when issues go unresolved

5.  Learn to fight fair.
    a.  No name calling or putdowns
    b. Keep to the issue
    c.   Never use “you never” or “you always”
    d.  Don’t bring in the family members into the conversation (to support your case)
    e.  Time out method can work great!
    f.    Don’t start a discussion (fight) late at night (you’re both tired, therefore motions may be out of control)
    g.  Use “I-Statements”

Here are some great guidelines to start your marriage going in a positive direction, where trust can be built. Try this activity with your spouse:

Activity:
1.  Sit down with your spouse and go over the guidelines above.
2.  Discuss a time in which the two of you had a disagreement or one partner became mistrustful of the other.
3.  Go through the steps again and resolve how the two of you could have handled the discussion.

There are many things about marriage that can be difficult and hard, but if there is that trust in the relationship, there can be the peace of mind in the relationship knowing that you can count on the other person to be there. That is what makes all the difference. A point that is essential to remember states, “Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy” (Heller, p. 1). Remember that it takes time and effort to build trust in a relationship, and that is the very reason it is worth it to strive to always be trustworthy. If you are, you will find that peace and happiness in your marriage in knowing that both you and your partner can trust one another through any experience you may go through.


Heller, Rabbi Dov (2013). How to Build Trust in Marriage. Retrieved from:http://www.aish.com/f/m/48957116.html


National Geographic on Stress




Stress definitely has a way of getting into people’s lives, whether for the good or for the bad! There are many different understandings of stress, and through these different understandings (whether it is good, bad, both, or neither) you are in charge of your life, therefore the most you can do is learn about stress and figure out what works for you and your spouse.
National Geographic has created an excellent video concerning stress. Many studies were done and show in this video. Take some time to watch this video and you will be able to learn a great deal about stress and how it may impact your life. Along with that, don’t forget that when you are married, the things that affect your life affect many other people, including your spouse and children (just to name a few). See how stress may affect your life as well as the lives of those around you.


Activity:

1.  Follow the link and watch the following: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyBsy5SQxqU,  or watch the video above (It is about one hour long, so it is a great date night with your spouse!).

2.  Discuss with your spouse the aspects of positive and negative aspects of stress in your marriage.

3.  Go through the following questions:
a.  What connections can you see between stress and the fight/flight reaction?
b. Why does the body release different stress hormones when the situation is not life threatening.
c.   How does stress and weight gain have in common? Does one lead to another?
d.  Do you think the studies done on monkeys can be used for our benefit on learning about stress?
e.  What is your perception of stress after watching the video?

4.  Discuss how you and your spouse can support each other in stress and come up with comes ways you can, as a couple and individually, cope with stress.

Communication in Marriage Workshop

Learn how to effectively communicate in your marriage!
Watch the clip below and pick out the non-verbal communication between the characters.