People do not always realize that marriage is like a plant. It needs constant nourishment and care if it is to grow and flourish. Couples can provide nourishment to their marriage through different types intimacy. Many scientists, family life educators, and family therapists agree that there are three main types of intimacy. These types address different needs and desires a couple has. There is emotional intimacy which focuses on the emotional aspect of the relationship, physical intimacy which encompasses all types of physical touch from non-arousing (hand holding) to orgasmic, and spiritual intimacy is a connection the spouses have with their personal spiritual beliefs.
When couples find balance in these different areas of intimacy, they create a healthy loving relationship filled with trust and happiness. to find balance spouses need to spend time learning about each other and their personal needs. The right amount physical, spiritual, or emotional intimacy for one couple is not always the right amount for another. Each couple should discuss what their needs are and not rely on the doings of other couples.
As each marriage needs a little of each type of intimacy, I would like to spend some time helping each of you understand what each one really is. To start I would like to discuss emotional intimacy.
Emotional Intimacy:
Have you ever seen the Newlywed Game Show? For those who have not seen the show, couples are placed against each other and asked a series of questions to see who knows the most about about the other person. In a way, it is where newlywed couples play 20 questions in front of America.
In the simplest terms, emotional intimacy is how well we know our spouse. You may be thinking, "So to achieve emotional intimacy I simply need to be able to answer questions about my spouse's likes and dislikes, right?" Well no, in order to really reach emotional intimacy one needs to not only know what their spouse likes and dislikes, but they need to put their knowledge to action. A wife may love to go for a walk, but this knowledge is useless to her husband is he never takes the initiative and actually takes the time to go walking with her. The same can be said about the wife who knows that her husband loves to work in the garden with her, but never puts time aside to actually help him.
In other words, emotional intimacy is when a person connects to their spouse in a deep, meaningful, manner that creates feelings of trust, acceptance, respect, and adoration. A person needs to not only learn about their spouse, but genuinely be interested and engaged in the emotional needs, desires, hopes, and dreams of their spouse. Spouses should love each other unconditional and be willing to forgive each other completely. When a couple truly reaches emotional intimacy they have reach a place in their marriage where they are able to share their innermost selves with each other. They are able to communicate openly and freely. This type of emotional intimacy takes communication, understanding, time, love, and effort. It is not something that can happen overnight, but it can be started overnight.
Here are a few ways to help you and your spouse grow in emotional intimacy;
- Weekly Date nights
- Daily Pillow Talk
- Learning and speaking each other's Love Language (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
- Share facts, feelings, and ideas with each other
- Playing games, asking questions, and sharing stories
- Laughing together
- Being active together
- Finding an activity that you both enjoy that making it a point to do it often
- For other ideas check out of intimacy workshop
Spiritual Intimacy:
This next type of intimacy is based on what you and your spouse believe. In the simplest terms spiritual intimacy is when a couple is in tune with their own and each other's spiritual states while communing in a meaningful way with their preferred higher power. In many Christian based religions spiritual intimacy is seen as a triangle where the husband and wife draw closer together as they draw closer to God.
In essence spiritual intimacy can be done through participating in couple's scripture and prayer time (no matter which religion you are, and if you are not religious some other type of spiritual growth activity such as meditation or soul searching).
Here are a few ideas to better understand spiritual intimacy:
- If a couple believes in God, they might find strong spiritual intimacy through praying together and reading their holy book(s).
- If, or example, the couple's religion focuses on inner self, the couple could meditate and ponder together.
- I am sure that you may be wondering, "What if we are non-religious or atheist?" If the couple fits into this category, then they might find spiritual intimacy through deep, meaningful conversations about matters of the soul.
Physical Intimacy:
There are several different types of physical intimacy. Some of these types may surprise you in the aspect that they do not lead to sex. One type of physical intimacy is non-arousing intimacy. This is characterized by simple gestures of love. Holding hands, a hug, kiss, or cuddling can all be seen as non-arousing intimacy. Essentially non-arousing intimacy is any type of touch that doesn't lead to sexual intercourse.
Arousing intimacy is when you and your spouse engage in touch that can lead or does lead to intercourse. This type of intimacy can stop there or move forward into the last type of physical intimacy which is orgasmic intimacy.
Orgasmic Intimacy is when both spouses engage in touch that leads to an orgasm. Some couples do not need to have sexual intercourse to reach orgasm, but most do. Either way all couples must first engage in each of the first stages of physical intimacy to reach this last one.
It is important to note that one doesn't have to reach orgasmic stage every time. It is actually healthier for couples to balance between each stage. Stopping at non-arousing or arousing intimacy is very healthy for marriages as it helps couples grow closer together at different levels.
All types of intimacy are important. While each couple need to find what their needs are they also need to remember to balance each of the three types of intimacy (physical, spiritual, and emotional).
Our workshop Journey to Intimacy provides a great start at approaching physical and emotional intimacy.
