Better Together

No one is perfect, and realizing this may help couples see that they needn’t expect perfection, but rather finding the good in your spouse is an essential characteristic. Each and every person may have flaws, and truthfully, that is ok. There are those little things that we need to be willing to look past, because if there are one or two little flaws that bother you about your spouse, there is a good chance that those little flaws will pick at you. The most important step here is to realize that those little flaws do not matter! And just like Jack Johnson puts it in his song, “We’re better together.” Beforehand, Jack mentions that sometimes life is hard, relationships are hard, and that is not a bad thing. But overall, just as the song states, “We’re better together!” And that is definitely the truth, working together with your spouse, whom you love, will always be better.

An excellent story that illustrates this example perfectly is known as “The Grapefruit Syndrome” written by Lola B. Walters (2011). The story is as follows:

“As a young wife, I learned that the taste of marriage could be sweeter if I didn’t focus on my husband’s faults.

“My husband and I had been married about two years - just long enough for me to realize that he was a normal man rather than a knight on a white charger - when I read a magazine article recommending that married couples schedule regular talks to discuss, truthfully and candidly, the habits or mannerisms they find annoying in each other. The theory was that if the partners knew of such annoyances, they could correct them before resentful feelings developed.

“It made sense to me. I talked with my husband about the idea. After some hesitation, he agreed to give it a try.

“As I recall, we were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. After more than 50 years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.

“After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. Though it has been more than half a century, I still carry a mental image of my husband’s handsome young face as he gathered his brows together in a thoughtful, puzzled frown and then looked at me with his large blue-grey eyes and said, ‘Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’

“Gasp.

“I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. I had found faults with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar, and no doubt annoying, ways.

“I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities. Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now called, the Grapefruit Syndrome.”

Lola Walters (2011) hit it right on the head. It is so important that we are not focused on the little annoyances that may occur in our marriages, but rather, seeing the good in our spouses will indeed help our marriages and overall relationship with your spouse to be a more positive one. And, to go with that, just think of how great things are with your spouse, just as Jack Johnson put it in his song, “We’re better together” which, in most situations, you are better together.

Another key point that Jack makes in his song, and I also think it is noted in the story above, is that our time is limited. We do not know how long our life is here on earth, therefore, it is important that we strive to see the best in people, especially our spouses. Looking past those little flaws will ensure make your marriage better, and it will help you to forget about those silly things and see your spouse for the person he or she really is: Your spouse, whom you love.

Activity #1:

There is always an activity in place to get you and your spouse doing something together to bring your relationship closer together. For this activity, you can do it individually, but can do it together if you would like.

1.  Come up with a list of 5-10 positive things about your spouse.

2.  Keep the list going for a week.

3.  At the end of the week, compile the list onto one sheet of paper.

4.  Feel free to type it up, add graphics, or just write it down on a lined sheet of paper.

5.  Give your spouse a copy of the paper and let him/her know that you appreciate them.

Each marriage is like a garden. This meaning that every marriage has flowers as well as weeds. The flowers are the positive and good things you see in your spouse while the little flaws are the weeds. All gardens have them, as well as all marriages. When you focus on the good things in your spouse, then you are cultivating and feeding the positive attributes in that person, which is also cultivating and feeding the marriage positively. When we decide to focus on the little flaws in the marriage or spouse, then we are trying to get the weeds in your garden to grow, and when this happens, the weeds will eventually take over a garden that could be beautiful and full of flowers.

But, how do handle the little flaws in marriage that drive you crazy? Rather than attacking your spouse, which may be an attempt to rid the garden of weeds, it is important to love and find the flowers in your spouse. Attacks may cut of the weed, but the roots are still there, and another weed will grow back. When the love and kindness are present, it is like adding water to the ground, which makes it easy to till and pull the weeds out of the garden, root and all.

                                         

Which do you want your garden to look like?

Activity #2:

Watching Your Thoughts

We each have those little moments in which our thoughts may start picking out the negative things in our relationship or in our spouse. For this activity, you are going to watch your thoughts, then decide which garden your marriage is becoming.

1.  Have some sort of paper, phone, or something to write stuff down with you for at least one day.

2.  Each time you have a thought about your marriage, determine if it is positive or negative.

3.  If the thought is positive, write down a check mark (or draw a flower).

4.  If the thought is negative, write down an x (or draw a weed).

5.  At the end of the day, count up the x’s and the check marks and see if you are cultivating the weeds or the flowers in your marriage garden.

Stay in check with your marriage, and be sure you are looking past the little flaws that may be present in your partner. Rather, strive to focus on the good things about your spouse and your intimate relationship will become closer.

References:

Walters, Lola B. (2011) The Grapefruit Syndrome; Retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng