Remind Me: How to Grow Closer Together Physically

 Remind Me

There are two difference aspects to intimacy, emotional and physical closeness and openness. In Part one I talked about a way to grow closer with your spouse through emotional intimacy. Part two is about physical intimacy. In the song that Brad sings with Carrie it is talking about how this couple use to enjoy a physically intimate relationship they used to have with their spouse. They want it back now but have forgotten how to go about it. They want each other to remind them of how it used to be and how they use to connect with each other physically.

At the beginning of your married life together it is easier to touch, kiss, and show affection toward your spouse because
new hormones are racing through your body. As a couple of years go by your body gets used to the hormones and things become less exciting. You lose a sense of closeness and physical intimacy with your spouse. Your kisses are shorter, you sit further away from each other on the couch, you don’t hold hands anymore in the car, and the list goes on and on. Many things change once the love hormone disappears. Life also becomes very busy as we talked about in Part one. It can be easy to go days without consciously thinking about how to work on your marriage or how to grow closer physically to your spouse.

Lori H. Gordon is an expert in intimacy and she says, “It is only in the last 20 years that we recognize that infants need to be held and touched. We know that they cannot grow--they literally fail to thrive--unless they experience physical and emotional closeness with another human being. What we often don't realize is that that need for connection never goes away. It goes on throughout life”.

Just as infants feel the need to be held and touched so do adults. We need that human connection. That is one of the benefits of being in a marriage relationship is that you get to share that special connection with that one person. And for you relationship to thrive there needs to be a physical and emotional closeness between the two of you (intimacy).

Activity 1:

Don’t let any day pass by without physically touching your souse.

1. Before you leave the house each day whether it is for work, errand, or a workout make sure to find your spouse and either give them a hug or a kiss (even if they are sleeping).

2. When you enter your house make it a habit to find your spouse wherever they may be and give them another hug or kiss.

3. Find at least one more way each day to touch your spouse either be holding hands, cuddling, massage, or a playful pat on the rear end.

At the beginning of the music video it starts off in a desert much like their relationship. They had stopped caring for it and it was dry and desolate. They understood that there was something missing from their relationship. They completed the first step in overcoming something, becoming aware of what is wrong. They start off being far away from each other and as the song progress they become closer together as well. They become closer together as they talk and remind each other of the love they once had.

“Oh if you still love me, don’t assume I know”. I love these lyrics to this song. It is so easy for us to assume that our spouse knows that we love them. But do they really?  You need to be very intentional about touching your spouse throughout the day by kissing or hugging them.

Schaefer and Olson (1981), marriage and family researchers, describe attaining intimacy as “a process that occurs over time and is never completed or fully accomplished” (p.50).

For this reason it is so important to make a conscience effort every day to grow closer to your spouse physically. This means that we need to make a habit of touching each other outside of the bedroom as well as in the bedroom. Physical intimacy includes holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and stroking the face, hair, arm, or leg. Touching one another will lead you to desire your spouse and want to be around him/her.

Here is a simple activity that will allow you and your spouse to become more intentional about increasing physical intimacy in your marriage.

Activity 2:

Sit down with your spouse and assess your level of physical intimacy in your marriage.

1. Each partner takes turn talking and listening to one another.

2. Talk about how each of you has been successful so far in your marriage in the ways you have shown affection and physical intimacy.

3. Go over different ways each one of you can improve in those areas. What are you likes and dislikes (you love holding hands in public but you don’t like kissing in public)?

4. Become intentional each day as think about what you two talked about because now you know how to make your spouse happy by being physically intimate with them.

References:

Gordon, L. H. (1969). Intimacy: The art of relationships. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199309/intimacy-the-art-relationships

 Schaefer, M. T., & Olson, D. H. (1981). Assessing intimacy: The PAIR inventory. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7, 47-60.

Retrieved pictures from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201302/the-power-touch