The Search for Intimacy

Marriages are hard work. Sometimes difficulties and problems develop within a marriage that create strife or unrest. When this happens, the husband or wife (or both) will sometimes point figures and bring up things that they feel has made their marriage weak, bad, or poor. Other times, the couple is completely dumbfounded as to what the problem is.

People do not always realize that marriage is like a plant. It needs constant nourishment and care if it is to grow and flourish. Couples can provide nourishment to their marriage through different types intimacy. Many scientists, family life educators, and family therapists agree that there are three main types of intimacy. These types address different needs and desires a couple has. There is emotional intimacy which focuses on the emotional aspect of the relationship, physical intimacy which encompasses all types of physical touch from non-arousing (hand holding) to orgasmic, and spiritual intimacy is a connection the spouses have with their personal spiritual beliefs.

When couples find balance in these different areas of intimacy, they create a healthy loving relationship filled with trust and happiness. to find balance spouses need to spend time learning about each other and their personal needs. The right amount physical, spiritual, or emotional intimacy for one couple is not always the right amount for another. Each couple should discuss what their needs are and not rely on the doings of other couples.

As each marriage needs a little of each type of intimacy, I would like to spend some time helping each of you understand what each one really is. To start I would like to discuss emotional intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy:

Have you ever seen the Newlywed Game Show? For those who have not seen the show, couples are placed against each other and asked a series of questions to see who knows the most about about the other person. In a way, it is where newlywed couples play 20 questions in front of America.

In the simplest terms, emotional intimacy is how well we know our spouse. You may be thinking,  "So to achieve emotional intimacy I simply need to be able to answer questions about my spouse's likes and dislikes, right?"  Well no, in order to really reach emotional intimacy one needs to not only know what their spouse likes and dislikes, but they need to put their knowledge to action. A wife may love to go for a walk, but this knowledge is useless to her husband is he never takes the initiative and actually takes the time to go walking with her. The same can be said about the wife who knows that her husband loves to work in the garden with her, but never puts time aside to actually help him.

In other words, emotional intimacy is when a person connects to their spouse in a deep, meaningful, manner that creates feelings of trust, acceptance, respect, and adoration. A person needs to not only learn about their spouse, but genuinely be interested and engaged in the emotional needs, desires, hopes, and dreams of their spouse. Spouses should love each other unconditional and be willing to forgive each other completely. When a couple truly reaches emotional intimacy they have reach a place in their marriage where they are able to share their innermost selves with each other. They are able to communicate openly and freely. This type of emotional intimacy takes communication, understanding, time, love, and effort. It is not something that can happen overnight, but it can be started overnight.

Here are a few ways to help you and your spouse grow in emotional intimacy;

• Weekly Date nights
• Daily Pillow Talk
• Learning and speaking each other's Love Language (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
• Share facts, feelings, and ideas with each other
• Playing games, asking questions, and sharing stories
• Laughing together
• Being active together
• Finding an activity that you both enjoy that making it a point to do it often
• For other ideas check out of intimacy workshop

Spiritual Intimacy:

This next type of intimacy is based on what you and your spouse believe. In the simplest terms spiritual intimacy is when a couple is in tune with their own and each other's spiritual states while communing in a meaningful way with their preferred higher power. In many Christian based religions spiritual intimacy is seen as a triangle where the husband and wife draw closer together as they draw closer to God. 

In essence spiritual intimacy can be done through participating in couple's scripture and prayer time (no matter which religion you are, and if you are not religious some other type of spiritual growth activity such as meditation or soul searching).

Here are a few ideas to better understand spiritual intimacy: 

• If a couple believes in God, they might find strong spiritual intimacy through praying together and reading their holy book(s). 
• If, or example, the couple's religion focuses on inner self, the couple could meditate and ponder together. 
• I am sure that you may be wondering, "What if we are non-religious or atheist?" If the couple fits into this category, then they might find spiritual intimacy through deep, meaningful conversations about matters of the soul.   

Physical Intimacy:

There are several different types of physical intimacy. Some of these types may surprise you in the aspect that they do not lead to sex. One type of physical intimacy is non-arousing intimacy. This is characterized by simple gestures of love. Holding hands, a hug, kiss, or cuddling can all be seen as non-arousing intimacy. Essentially non-arousing intimacy is any type of touch that doesn't lead to sexual intercourse.
Arousing intimacy is when you and your spouse engage in touch that can lead or does lead to intercourse. This type of intimacy can stop there or move forward into the last type of physical intimacy which is orgasmic intimacy.
Orgasmic Intimacy is when both spouses engage in touch that leads to an orgasm. Some couples do not need to have sexual intercourse to reach orgasm, but most do. Either way all couples must first engage in each of the first stages of physical intimacy to reach this last one.
It is important to note that one doesn't have to reach orgasmic stage every time. It is actually healthier for couples to balance between each stage. Stopping at non-arousing or arousing intimacy is very healthy for marriages as it helps couples grow closer together at different levels.


All types of intimacy are important. While each couple need to find what their needs are they also need to remember to balance each of the three types of intimacy (physical, spiritual, and emotional).

Our workshop Journey to Intimacy provides a great start at approaching physical and emotional intimacy. 

Emotional Intimacy

I wanted to try something new and see what others thought about emotional intimacy and how they think they increase it in their own marriages. I started interviewing each one of my siblings, their spouses, and my parents on how they increase intimacy in marriage. Each one of them came up with some awesome ideas. It is amazing how over time and through experience you get to know your spouse better and you learn how to grow closer to them. I was grateful the thoughts and feelings they shared with me.

Some of their ideas are as follows:

 Go on walks together 

 Hold hands when in public and private 

Read a book together that you both enjoy 

Give each other massages

Open the door for one another 

Go on weekly dates with each other 

Watch a movie and cuddle with one another 

Talk and listen 

Play a board game together 

Laugh together, cry together 

There are so many different ideas that you could come up with besides what was listed above.

Activity #1

1. Sit down with your spouse and discuss ideas that you two would enjoy that would bring you closer together emotionally. You can use some of what is listed above or come up with your own that are unique to your relationship.

 2. Once you have a list of at least ten different ideas, practice.

3. Take at least 20 minutes each night to practice and grow closer together emotionally.

In Psychology Today there was and article written by Linda and Charlie Bloom and I love what they say about emotional intimacy, “Deep intimacy requires a high level of transparency and openness. This involves a degree of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable or anxiety producing to many of us. These feelings do, however, tend to diminish and even dissolve over time and with practice”. Developing emotional intimacy is not always an easy process to complete within each marital relationship. But like the Bloom’s said the feelings that may come go away over time and with practice, so we need to practice.

Reference:
Bloom, L. Bloom, C. (2013). Stronger at the broken places. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201303/emotional-intimacy

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual Intimacy

There are so many ways that couples can grow closer together intimately. One of those ways is through spiritual intimacy and that sometimes can be one of the hardest types of intimacy to achieve. Every individual has a different relationship with God and are all at different levels with Him. Some may not even believe in God. When individuals join together in their faith and beliefs they connect with each other and learn to be spiritually intimate with each other.

This type of intimacy has brought my husband and I closer together on so many different levels! The ways that we increase this level of spiritual intimacy is by praying together every morning and evening, we read scriptures together, we go to church together, and we then take opportunities each week to talk about God or go to church events together. My husband and I are of the same faith so it makes things a little easier because we agree on religious matters.

Focus on the Family is a great resource to help couples increase intimacy in their marriage. The link is here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening_your_marriage/spiritual_intimacy/blending_two_spiritual_lives.aspx

This article on blending two spirituals life has so many great ideas on how to increase spiritual intimacy in your marriage whether you are of the same faith or not. The article points out ideas and misunderstandings that occur when you and your spouse may be of different faiths.

One thing that I want to mention is serving others. Even if you don’t have a strong faith in God or Christ every person here on earth could use some kind of service. Not only can service help us look outside of ourselves but also brings couples together intimately as they strive to serve those around them. On the website focus on the family they mention a few things couple can do together;

“Join a small group. 

Find a common bond that draws you together, but beware of the tendency to get too exclusive with your group. Be open to new members, invite your unchurched neighbors and do outreach together. This will keep your group balanced and life-giving.

Become a mentor to someone younger. 

Ask God to show you a couple or single person you can take under your wing. Have dinner with them and get to know their dreams, fears and concerns. Use the wisdom God has given you to strengthen and encourage them. When you help someone grow, you grow stronger, too.

Engage in community service. 

Serve together at a food pantry. Deliver groceries to a shut-in. Visit a widow, an elderly person or a prisoner. Help a single parent by caring for her children and/or helping with house maintenance.

Stay connected to your extended family.

 Be intentional about making plans with family members, and approach family get-togethers with a heart to serve and love.

Be involved with your church family.

 When life gets busy, it can be tempting to disconnect, yet cutting yourselves off from the body of Christ will only hurt you.”

Here is a story told by an author of familylife.com, H. Norman Wright who wrote about a couple who experienced this increase of spiritual intimacy in their marriage,
“The young woman in my office was animated, though not upset. "I never dreamed what has happened in our marriage during the past year was possible," she said. "We've gone along for years just sort of ho-hum. Nothing bad, nothing spectacular—just steady. I guess we were in a rut. It was comfortable, and I guess we felt, or I did, that this was the way it would always be. But Jim came home from that men's conference and made all kinds of changes. Even though they were mostly positive, it took me awhile to adjust.

"The first thing he did was come up to me and apologize for not telling me that he prayed for me every day, and had for years. How would I have ever known? In fact, that's what I started to say, but I caught myself and thanked him for telling me. A week later he asked me how I would feel about praying together and reading from the Bible occasionally. I have to laugh now because it's like he wanted me to but wasn't sure how I would respond. So we did.

"I can't explain why or what happened, but there is this incredible sense of bonding or closeness now that we never had before. We pray, we read, we share. Sometimes I call him and pray a sentence prayer for him over the phone. He does the same. And our sex life is a whole different story. Others have seen our relationship change. And when they ask, we tell them. I guess we're finally experiencing what the Bible says about cleaving in the full sense of the word."

Spiritual bonding. Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual closeness. Desired, yet avoided. Available, yet elusive for so many.”

Just like this couple was able to discover the great addition of spiritual intimacy in their marriage so can you add this into your marriage. It will great bless your lives and you will feel closer together than ever before.

Resources:

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/growing-spiritually/developing-spiritual-intimacy-in-marriage#.U9FI5agUbAo

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/strengthening_your_marriage/spiritual_intimacy/serving_others.aspx

Stress: How to Cope with Stress in Marriage

As I have mentioned in previous posts, going to college has been a major stress in my life. There are those days when you just feel like you can’t go on anymore, and something has to change. One time in particular I decided I was done with school and I was going to just quit. It was bringing too much stress into my life which caused me to snap at my husband, get upset with my baby, and not only that but the house was a mess, and I hadn’t gotten my exercise that day (which is a must for me!). I then found, that I didn’t feel any better, but I still had stress in my life. I just had to learn to cope with it instead of trying to get rid of it.

        

Stress can cause difficult times in a marriage. But overall, stress can be a good thing, it is all learning about how to deal with it. And since men and women deal with stress differently (It’s Not About the Nail video posted on the fourth blog post is a perfect example) you and your spouse must figure out how you can deal with it and what ways are best for you.

Stritof (2014) mentioned the following ways of how some people may deal with stress:

Ways to Cope:

-  “Eat healthy foods.

-  “Get enough sleep.

-  “Drink water throughout the day.

-  “Make time for exercise.

-  “Have some fun and laugh more.

-  “As a couple, try to spend some time alone together.

-  “Be supportive of one another” (Stritof, p. 1).

I have found that eating healthy foods and exercise really help me. But in a marriage, it is also important to be supportive to one another! Each person has personal stresses and there are usually stresses as a couple. The above ideas bring some great and simply ideas that can help those personal stresses as well as the stresses that may be as a couple. Spend that time together, be supportive, and together you can exercise as well as eat healthily. You will see that taking care of your body will definitely help those stresses easier to deal with.

“Communicating effectively, managing conflict, expressing empathy: all of these processes are central to lasting intimacy, but none is easy. All else being equal, more time spent dealing with stress leaves less time to spend on a relationship” (Karney, p. 1). Learning about one another, communication, and just being together can help your relationship to be strong and lasting. All of these can also help with stress in your marriage, and the following ideas from Petural (no date) can also help you and your spouse to learn more about each other, strengthen your marriage, and cope with the stress in you individual and married life.

What can you do to relieve stress in your marriage? Amy Peturel (no date) mentions eight ways that can help stress in your marriage to diminish:

1.“Have more sex. ‘Sex actually relieves stress and makes you feel more energized," says sex therapist Ian Kerner, author of Love in the Time of Colic. "Couples that have regular sex feel better about their lives, better about their relationships, and they're less stressed.’” (Paturel, p. 1).

2. “Start canoodling. If sex isn't an option, cuddle up on the couch instead. Studies show that couples who spend more time hugging and kissing have lower levels of stress hormones in their bodies. For one week, researchers from the University of Zurich in Switzerland studied 51 couples who were either married or living together and found that those who reported more physical contact – from holding hands to having sex – had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their saliva” (Paturel, p. 1).

3. “Work together as a team. ‘When you have different opinions, don't focus on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will work,’ says Tessina. Successful couples try to solve the problem by identifying it, brainstorming ideas, and coming up with a solution – together” (Paturel, p. 1).

4. “Prioritize your relationship. When you have kids, relationship satisfaction usually starts to decline. You have to be dependable, responsible, and scheduled – and routine can kill sexual attraction. To reconnect, make sure you have a regular date night and find ways to bring newness into your lives. ‘Protecting your marriage should be at the top of your priority list as a parent,’ says Kerner. ‘It's important to your child's well-being to see that his parents are happy and connected’” (Paturel, p. 1).

5. “Show gratitude. Research shows that it's important to hear five positive statements for every negative one from your partner. ‘Happy couples know how to express their gratitude and appreciation. They celebrate their love,’ says Tessina” (Paturel, p. 1).

6. “Tune in. Listening is critical to reducing stress in a marriage. ‘A big percentage of arguments are caused by getting louder in a futile effort to be heard,’ says Tessina” (Paturel, p. 1).

7. “Take some time off. Sure, you spend most of your downtime with your partner and kids, but it's important to get solo time (or time with your girlfriends). ‘Couples need to do things apart that they can talk about later, says Tessina. It refreshes the relationship and helps you miss each other a bit, too” (Paturel, p. 1).

8. “Have fun. Make sure you do things as a couple that don't involve paying bills, cleaning house, and raising the kids. ‘Doing something together that you enjoy gives you shared experiences and reminds you that life isn't all about responsibility,’ says Kerner. Go for a hike, take a dance class, or hit the tennis court with your partner, and you'll get an exercise boost to boot” (Paturel, p. 1).

Activity

1.  Choose one of the above activities (by Paturel),

2.  Make a date!

3.  Invite your spouse in a romantic way (note, roses, a treasure hunt, etc. Be creative!).

4.  Really put time and effort in making the activity a fun and memorable one.

5.  Talk with your spouse about how together you can manage the stress in your lives.

Sometimes stress comes and it seems hard to deal with. Sometimes the stress is something that you can’t figure out as a couple. My husband and I often deal with our stresses separately, depending on the situation. For me, I love taking walks and working in the yard. For my husband he likes to get away and go to somewhere where he can just leave the stress for a bit.

“The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities)” (Grohol, p. 1).

Overall, stress will be in your life and marriage no matter what. Depending on the stress and the level of that stress can determine whether or not it can be a good or bad stress in your marriage.

References:

Grohol, John M. (no date) Stress Hurts Relationships. Retrieved from: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/08/31/stress-hurts-relationships/

Karney, Benjamin. (2014). Stress is Bad for Couples, Right? Retrieved from:http://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/focus/couples/stress-bad-couples-right

Paturel, Amy (no date). Secrets to a low-stress marriage. Retrieved from: http://www.babycenter.com/0_secrets-to-a-low-stress-marriage_10352386.bc

Stritof, Sheri; Stritof, Bob (2014) Coping with stress in your marriage; retrieved from: http://marriage.about.com/cs/stress/qt/copingstress.htm

Remind Me: How to Grow Closer Together Physically

 Remind Me

There are two difference aspects to intimacy, emotional and physical closeness and openness. In Part one I talked about a way to grow closer with your spouse through emotional intimacy. Part two is about physical intimacy. In the song that Brad sings with Carrie it is talking about how this couple use to enjoy a physically intimate relationship they used to have with their spouse. They want it back now but have forgotten how to go about it. They want each other to remind them of how it used to be and how they use to connect with each other physically.

At the beginning of your married life together it is easier to touch, kiss, and show affection toward your spouse because