The Search for Intimacy

Marriages are hard work. Sometimes difficulties and problems develop within a marriage that create strife or unrest. When this happens, the husband or wife (or both) will sometimes point figures and bring up things that they feel has made their marriage weak, bad, or poor. Other times, the couple is completely dumbfounded as to what the problem is.

People do not always realize that marriage is like a plant. It needs constant nourishment and care if it is to grow and flourish. Couples can provide nourishment to their marriage through different types intimacy. Many scientists, family life educators, and family therapists agree that there are three main types of intimacy. These types address different needs and desires a couple has. There is emotional intimacy which focuses on the emotional aspect of the relationship, physical intimacy which encompasses all types of physical touch from non-arousing (hand holding) to orgasmic, and spiritual intimacy is a connection the spouses have with their personal spiritual beliefs.

When couples find balance in these different areas of intimacy, they create a healthy loving relationship filled with trust and happiness. to find balance spouses need to spend time learning about each other and their personal needs. The right amount physical, spiritual, or emotional intimacy for one couple is not always the right amount for another. Each couple should discuss what their needs are and not rely on the doings of other couples.

As each marriage needs a little of each type of intimacy, I would like to spend some time helping each of you understand what each one really is. To start I would like to discuss emotional intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy:

Have you ever seen the Newlywed Game Show? For those who have not seen the show, couples are placed against each other and asked a series of questions to see who knows the most about about the other person. In a way, it is where newlywed couples play 20 questions in front of America.

In the simplest terms, emotional intimacy is how well we know our spouse. You may be thinking,  "So to achieve emotional intimacy I simply need to be able to answer questions about my spouse's likes and dislikes, right?"  Well no, in order to really reach emotional intimacy one needs to not only know what their spouse likes and dislikes, but they need to put their knowledge to action. A wife may love to go for a walk, but this knowledge is useless to her husband is he never takes the initiative and actually takes the time to go walking with her. The same can be said about the wife who knows that her husband loves to work in the garden with her, but never puts time aside to actually help him.

In other words, emotional intimacy is when a person connects to their spouse in a deep, meaningful, manner that creates feelings of trust, acceptance, respect, and adoration. A person needs to not only learn about their spouse, but genuinely be interested and engaged in the emotional needs, desires, hopes, and dreams of their spouse. Spouses should love each other unconditional and be willing to forgive each other completely. When a couple truly reaches emotional intimacy they have reach a place in their marriage where they are able to share their innermost selves with each other. They are able to communicate openly and freely. This type of emotional intimacy takes communication, understanding, time, love, and effort. It is not something that can happen overnight, but it can be started overnight.

Here are a few ways to help you and your spouse grow in emotional intimacy;

• Weekly Date nights
• Daily Pillow Talk
• Learning and speaking each other's Love Language (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
• Share facts, feelings, and ideas with each other
• Playing games, asking questions, and sharing stories
• Laughing together
• Being active together
• Finding an activity that you both enjoy that making it a point to do it often
• For other ideas check out of intimacy workshop

Spiritual Intimacy:

This next type of intimacy is based on what you and your spouse believe. In the simplest terms spiritual intimacy is when a couple is in tune with their own and each other's spiritual states while communing in a meaningful way with their preferred higher power. In many Christian based religions spiritual intimacy is seen as a triangle where the husband and wife draw closer together as they draw closer to God. 

In essence spiritual intimacy can be done through participating in couple's scripture and prayer time (no matter which religion you are, and if you are not religious some other type of spiritual growth activity such as meditation or soul searching).

Here are a few ideas to better understand spiritual intimacy: 

• If a couple believes in God, they might find strong spiritual intimacy through praying together and reading their holy book(s). 
• If, or example, the couple's religion focuses on inner self, the couple could meditate and ponder together. 
• I am sure that you may be wondering, "What if we are non-religious or atheist?" If the couple fits into this category, then they might find spiritual intimacy through deep, meaningful conversations about matters of the soul.   

Physical Intimacy:

There are several different types of physical intimacy. Some of these types may surprise you in the aspect that they do not lead to sex. One type of physical intimacy is non-arousing intimacy. This is characterized by simple gestures of love. Holding hands, a hug, kiss, or cuddling can all be seen as non-arousing intimacy. Essentially non-arousing intimacy is any type of touch that doesn't lead to sexual intercourse.
Arousing intimacy is when you and your spouse engage in touch that can lead or does lead to intercourse. This type of intimacy can stop there or move forward into the last type of physical intimacy which is orgasmic intimacy.
Orgasmic Intimacy is when both spouses engage in touch that leads to an orgasm. Some couples do not need to have sexual intercourse to reach orgasm, but most do. Either way all couples must first engage in each of the first stages of physical intimacy to reach this last one.
It is important to note that one doesn't have to reach orgasmic stage every time. It is actually healthier for couples to balance between each stage. Stopping at non-arousing or arousing intimacy is very healthy for marriages as it helps couples grow closer together at different levels.


All types of intimacy are important. While each couple need to find what their needs are they also need to remember to balance each of the three types of intimacy (physical, spiritual, and emotional).

Our workshop Journey to Intimacy provides a great start at approaching physical and emotional intimacy. 

"I Got All I Need"

Rascal Flatts - Oklahoma Texas Line

Dr. Jennifer Kunst said, “Troubles in life come when we believe the myth that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  We are taken over by envy, believing that other people have the good stuff and then feeling depressed, anxious, and persecuted by the belief that we have so little.  We are taken over by greed, wanting more and more and more, feeling that what we have cannot ever be enough”.

Sometimes in marriage we do the same thing. We look at the other side of the fence and think, “Hey the grass is greener on that side”. It can be really tempting to go to that other side where the grass looks greener, but is it really?

 Maybe you are not looking hard enough on your side to realize it has been green all along it just needed someone to take care of it. Water, fertilize, mow, and give it the nutrients it needs to become what it used to be. You will have to put forth some work no matter what side of the fence you are on.

We must tend the grass wherever we are. 

 

This song by Rascal Flatts is a good example of a guy who is happy with what he has. He’s got everything he will ever need with his girl by his side. He looks for the qualities in her that makes him happy like her long blonde hair or her big blue eyes. He appreciates how she takes off time from work to be with him and how she loves to have fun with him. He focuses on the positive instead of the negative qualities or things and events that may affect their relationship.

Activity #1

1. Take the time to sit down with your spouse and each of you write down the positive qualities that you like about one another.

2. Divide your paper into two sections. Section one is qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse when you first met. Section two is qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse right now.

3. Over time you will be able to think of more and more qualities that you admire about your spouse, continue to write them down as a good reminder of how much you love them.

4. Take turns sharing what you wrote about one another.

This activity should help you draw closer to one another and to realize the grass is really greener on your side. You are lucky to be with your spouse and you got everything you ever needed.

In an article written by Nathan Feiles, titled, The ‘Grass is Greener’ Syndrome, it says, “When the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on polishing our external environment to soothe a deeper internal dissatisfaction. Though the environment changes when jumping the fence, after a brief internal high, without constant stimulation and newness, the dissatisfaction becomes the same”.

If this is true then it is not the fault of any person, job, house, or any other thing as to why we think the grass is greener on the other side, it is our own fault. The unhappiness is coming from within not from any outside source.  If this is the case then how can we become happy? How can we be satisfied with what we have right in front of us like this song describes?

There are so many different ways on how to be happy and satisfied with the life you have! You can search the Internet and find a million ways but I will share just a few that have helped me.

Stop being frustrated

Sometimes there is nothing you can do and you have no control over people or situations so replace anger with rational thinking. Just stop! When you start to think rationally you will be able to clear your thoughts and find a solution.

Be calm: 

As you take time to stop and think, meditate. Meditation has helped me to think clearly and purposefully. It also allows me to remember the blessings and gifts that I have received and that makes me very happy.

Don’t compare yourself with others: 

This is so easy to do and it is one of the biggest things that make you think the grass is greener on the other side. When you compare you don’t feel good about yourself and you become very unhappy.

Live simply and be grateful: 

You don’t have to own everything you “think” you want. Be simple is the way you live and don’t forget to be grateful for everything you do have.

Become happy today:

 Live life to the fullest and do it on purpose! Be meaningful in how you spend your time and do things with those you love most. Don’t wait until tomorrow to become happy.

James Marshall says, "The grass is greener on the side you water". Take his advice and water the grass that is on your side and it will turn greener than you ever could have imagined. 

Resources:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/headshrinkers-guide-the-galaxy/201107/mythbusters-the-grass-is-not-always-greener-the-other-sid

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/03/16/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome/

Count On Me

You Can Count on Me

By: Bruno Mars

Finding trust in your marriage can bring about peace and happiness in your marriage. Learning to count on one another to be there through thick and thin creates a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. You must commit from the beginning to realize that if you and your spouse count on one another, you will find joy in spending time together, you will know you can count on the other to love and support you, and you will find yourself wanting to serve and care for your spouse even more than before. And all of these things together provide the loving, kind relationship that each person desires to have with their spouse.

“Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured” (Heller).

As Heller (2013) states, trust is probably the most important ingredient to marriage. Why is it important to be there for your spouse? That is what marriage is all about. Without trust and being willing to give something up to be there for your spouse shows your spouse that you are more important than anything else. That brings about peace, happiness, and marital satisfaction. See each other and the needs of the other person, and strive to meet those needs so your spouse that know that you will be there for them. The trust between the two of you will grow, and your marriage will be blissful.

Heller (2013) gave some guidelines to building trust in your marriage.

Guidelines give by Rabbi Heller:

1.  Constantly work to improve your communication skills.

    a.  Learn to listen

    b. Use “I-statements”

2.  Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.

    a.  Mistrust occurs when:

            i.    We are afraid of rejection

            ii.   Feelings of being ashamed for having needs

3.  Be positive and give pleasure

    a.  Express 5 positive things before one negative

4.  Don’t allow issues to go unresolved

    a.  Develop problem solving skills

    b. Resentment occurs when issues go unresolved

5.  Learn to fight fair.

    a.  No name calling or putdowns
    b. Keep to the issue

    c.   Never use “you never” or “you always”

    d.  Don’t bring in the family members into the conversation (to support your case)

    e.  Time out method can work great!

    f.    Don’t start a discussion (fight) late at night (you’re both tired, therefore motions may be out of control)

    g.  Use “I-Statements”

Here are some great guidelines to start your marriage going in a positive direction, where trust can be built. Try this activity with your spouse:

Activity:

1.  Sit down with your spouse and go over the guidelines above.

2.  Discuss a time in which the two of you had a disagreement or one partner became mistrustful of the other.

3.  Go through the steps again and resolve how the two of you could have handled the discussion.

There are many things about marriage that can be difficult and hard, but if there is that trust in the relationship, there can be the peace of mind in the relationship knowing that you can count on the other person to be there. That is what makes all the difference. A point that is essential to remember states, “Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy” (Heller, p. 1). Remember that it takes time and effort to build trust in a relationship, and that is the very reason it is worth it to strive to always be trustworthy. If you are, you will find that peace and happiness in your marriage in knowing that both you and your partner can trust one another through any experience you may go through.

Heller, Rabbi Dov (2013). How to Build Trust in Marriage. Retrieved from:http://www.aish.com/f/m/48957116.html

Communication in Marriage Workshop

Learn how to effectively communicate in your marriage!
Watch the clip below and pick out the non-verbal communication between the characters.

Forgiveness in Marriage Workshop

Watch the video above to understand the importance of forgiveness in marriage. If you are interested, also watch the video below to learn even more about forgiveness in marriage. Enjoy!

Friendship

My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

A spouse is more that a lover. A spouse is a best friend. A spouse brings joy, happiness, but there may also be the hard times. But, deciding that your spouse is a friend, a best friend, that you can count on to talk to, be there for you, and just be your best friend.

I personally believe that your spouse is your best friend. A best friend is someone you want to be with, spend time with, share secrets with. I feel that it is very important that you look at your spouse as a friend, a best friend, because through that, you can learn to lean on one another through those rough times, and you can see that you will help each other through. That is what a best friend does.

“Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends” (May, p. 1).

I really liked this quote because it really helped me to see the importance of being a friend with your spouse. True love is not being twitter-pated, or even getting butterflies when you see someone cute. Rather, true love is the lasting time together, the working things out together, and being there for one another. It is the friendship that you build together throughout your lifetime. Friendship, I feel, is an essential characteristic in marriage.

“Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time, but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple” (May, p. 1).

So, you may have the question, “Well, I do love my spouse, but how can we become best friends?” Join in this activity with your spouse and find out how!

Activity:

Sit down with your spouse

“Make a list of what you would want in a best-friend” (Alexander, p. 1).

“Now become that person for your spouse. That’s right. Turn the table. Make this a list of the kind of friend you will become. I can promise you this: anyone who does half of these kinds of things will have more friends than he or she knows what to do with. But what if you focused this effort on your spouse? Think of the possibilities (Alexander, p. 1).

“Keep sowing the seeds, until the relationship blossoms. How long will it take to create this kind of relationship? It all depends on where you are starting. For some, it might be several months. For others, it might take years. Friendships are like gardens; they must be cultivated. The key is to be consistent and persistent—without expectations” (Alexander, p. 1).

To bring everything together, what is the most simple way to see your spouse as a friend? “This is really nothing more than the application of the Golden Rule to marriage: ‘Do to others what you would want them to do to you’ (Luke 6:31)” (Alexander, p. 1). This is something that we have been taught since elementary school, but have you every put it into play? Have you every treated someone the way you want to be treated? Think about it, try it out! See how you and your spouse are rewarded.

Take a look at the following qualities of friendship, and see where you can grow and learn to be a better friend to your spouse:

“Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

“Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters

“Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other

“Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together

“Play, fun, and laughter

“Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves

“Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties

“Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements

“Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)

“Encouragement

“Loyalty

“Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully

“Reliability; trustworthiness

“Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions

“Common experiences and bonding memories

“Ability to work together on projects

“Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations

“Shared interests

“Willingness to learn together and from one another

“Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively

“Shared values

“Ability to reconnect easily after being apart

“Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow

“Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance

“Respectfulness and equality” (Alexander, p. 1).

There is always room to grow in every relationship. But, think about the relationship that is the most important: Your marriage relationship. It can be very important to work on the friendship with your spouse, because that relationship is one that can last and be happy for years to come. Friendship is indeed an important aspect of marriage.

“If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else” (Hyatt, p. 1).

Reference:

Alexander, Susanne M. (no date). 24 Keys to Remaining Friends with your spouse. Retrieved from: http://simplemarriage.net/friends-with-your-spouse/ 

Hyatt, Michael (no date). How to become your spouse’s best friend. Retrieved from: http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-become-your-spouses-best-friend.html 

May, Adrienne (2012). Beyond loving your spouse: 25 ways to be a best friend. Retrieved from: http://www.veteransunited.com/spouse/beyond-loving-your-spouse-25-ways-best-friend-to-your-spouse/ 

Exercise in Marriage

Check this out for some information about exercise in marriage. Then watch the video below for some motivation to start working out!

Commitment in Marriage

                                             

True Commitment in Marriage

Marriage begins and often times the commitment may be too much for some people. But commitment in marriage is what it is all about. When a couple decides to take that step of marriage, they must realize that it is more that just ending the marriage when they aren’t happy.

Commitment: 

1. “a promise to do or give something.”
2. “a promise to be loyal to someone or something.”
3. “the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment)

The three definitions above put this perfectly! Each talks about the importance of a commitment and what actually takes place when you make that commitment. These definitions put into perspective what commitment actually means, and why it is so important that we are aware of the commitment we are making when we step into marriage. It is not only through the easy times we are committed to our spouse, but through every time and experience, no matter what, as the definitions mentions, “a promise.”

Scott Stanley has done some excellent research on why people decide to get married or cohabit. He uses a term called “Sliding versus Deciding” in which he explains that most often relationships in which the partners are living together often do no decided first handedly that they are going to live together, but rather they “slide” into the relationship and the cohabiting (Stanley, p. 507, video speech). The trouble with this is that often times women get the brunt of the relationship because, “Women get pregnant, not men. Women disproportionately do the work of raising those children when the relationship ends.... Women may have more to lose by sliding through relationship transitions” (Stanley, p. 508-9). When the couple cohabits, there is less commitment in the relationship, therefore when tough times come up, one partner may decide that he or she “wasn’t committed anyways” and leave. It is basically an open door for people to leave the relationship if something hard or difficult arises, or if they just decide to be done with it. As the years go by, there is also a great need of commitment in marriage. The view of marriage has become less and less important, and it appears that divorce is just as easy to get as breaking up.

Stanley (2006, video) also mentions something that is very important to keep in mind. He starts with telling a story about the dog that his wife and he got (check out the video for the pictures and the full story!). He shares that people fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but asks, “What is the most important part to remember?” And that is, all puppies have a back end. Being aware of this and realizing that relationships are exactly the same, it can prepare you for marriage and commitment in realizing that your relationship (marriage) is not always going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. Remember, all puppies have back ends, and keeping this in mind will help you to remember that marriage is full of good and possibly easy things but there are also there hard and devastating events. But, it is all about the commitment between you and your spouse. Deciding from the beginning that you are going to stick together through it all, through all the stress, the schooling, the children, no matter what, you will find more fulfillment in your marriage in knowing that you are there for the long haul.

“In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make, Bradbury and Karney said” (Wolpert, p. 1).

"’Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,’" Bradbury said. ‘Often, we don't have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, 'You're wrong, I'm right.' When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.’ The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said." (Wolpert, p. 1).

Compromising begins the first day you are married. I am sure all those who have been married any amount of time has realized this. During the dating years, it’s just different, but marriage comes and then there’s two people, with different backgrounds, different ways of cleaning, relaxing, and different ways of raising children. The thing about different is, it’s not a bad thing. It actually helps us to open our minds and realize there are more ways to do something. Therefore, we must be ready and prepared to look at our spouses and see them as the person we love, and be willing to work together to work things out. This is a great way to show commitment to your spouse, as it shows him/her that you are wiling to listen and work something out so both of you are satisfied.

“Human beings have a need to be a part of secure, stable, and long-term relationships. That requires commitment. In strong marriages, couples are committed not only to the welfare of the relationship but also to the growth of one another. Commitment to the marriage is the basis for a husband and wife giving their time and energy to couple-related activities. Couples who have not thought through or are unsure about their commitment to one another will have difficulty staying married because when the tough times come they will be quick to run the other way” (Utah State University, p. 1).

Activity:

Watch the video below with your spouse and discuss what commitment means to you

Scott stanley commitment in marriage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM 

If you enjoyed this post, and would like some more videos to watch, try these ones out! John Gottman is well known for his research on marriage.

John Gottman Information videos:

Improve marriage in 30 seconds:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o

References:

Stanley, Scott; Roades, Galena Kline; Markham, Howard, J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Retrieved from: http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf 

Utah State University (2014) Communication, Conflict, and Commitment. Retrieved from: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_9.html 

Wopert, Stuart (2012) Here is what commitment to your marriag emeans. Retrieved from: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064