True Commitment in Marriage
Marriage begins and often times the commitment may be too much for some people. But commitment in marriage is what it is all about. When a couple decides to take that step of marriage, they must realize that it is more that just ending the marriage when they aren’t happy.
Commitment:
- “a promise to do or give something.”
- “a promise to be loyal to someone or something.”
- “the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment)
The three definitions above put this perfectly! Each talks about the importance of a commitment and what actually takes place when you make that commitment. These definitions put into perspective what commitment actually means, and why it is so important that we are aware of the commitment we are making when we step into marriage. It is not only through the easy times we are committed to our spouse, but through every time and experience, no matter what, as the definitions mentions, “a promise.”
Scott Stanley has done some excellent research on why people decide to get married or cohabit. He uses a term called “Sliding versus Deciding” in which he explains that most often relationships in which the partners are living together often do no decided first handedly that they are going to live together, but rather they “slide” into the relationship and the cohabiting (Stanley, p. 507, video speech). The trouble with this is that often times women get the brunt of the relationship because, “Women get pregnant, not men. Women disproportionately do the work of raising those children when the relationship ends.... Women may have more to lose by sliding through relationship transitions” (Stanley, p. 508-9). When the couple cohabits, there is less commitment in the relationship, therefore when tough times come up, one partner may decide that he or she “wasn’t committed anyways” and leave. It is basically an open door for people to leave the relationship if something hard or difficult arises, or if they just decide to be done with it. As the years go by, there is also a great need of commitment in marriage. The view of marriage has become less and less important, and it appears that divorce is just as easy to get as breaking up.
Stanley (2006, video) also mentions something that is very important to keep in mind. He starts with telling a story about the dog that his wife and he got (check out the video for the pictures and the full story!). He shares that people fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but asks, “What is the most important part to remember?” And that is, all puppies have a back end. Being aware of this and realizing that relationships are exactly the same, it can prepare you for marriage and commitment in realizing that your relationship (marriage) is not always going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. Remember, all puppies have back ends, and keeping this in mind will help you to remember that marriage is full of good and possibly easy things but there are also there hard and devastating events. But, it is all about the commitment between you and your spouse. Deciding from the beginning that you are going to stick together through it all, through all the stress, the schooling, the children, no matter what, you will find more fulfillment in your marriage in knowing that you are there for the long haul.
“In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make, Bradbury and Karney said” (Wolpert, p. 1).
"’Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,’" Bradbury said. ‘Often, we don't have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, 'You're wrong, I'm right.' When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.’ The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said." (Wolpert, p. 1).
Compromising begins the first day you are married. I am sure all those who have been married any amount of time has realized this. During the dating years, it’s just different, but marriage comes and then there’s two people, with different backgrounds, different ways of cleaning, relaxing, and different ways of raising children. The thing about different is, it’s not a bad thing. It actually helps us to open our minds and realize there are more ways to do something. Therefore, we must be ready and prepared to look at our spouses and see them as the person we love, and be willing to work together to work things out. This is a great way to show commitment to your spouse, as it shows him/her that you are wiling to listen and work something out so both of you are satisfied.
“Human beings have a need to be a part of secure, stable, and long-term relationships. That requires commitment. In strong marriages, couples are committed not only to the welfare of the relationship but also to the growth of one another. Commitment to the marriage is the basis for a husband and wife giving their time and energy to couple-related activities. Couples who have not thought through or are unsure about their commitment to one another will have difficulty staying married because when the tough times come they will be quick to run the other way” (Utah State University, p. 1).
Activity:
Watch the video below with your spouse and discuss what commitment means to you
Scott stanley commitment in marriage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM
If you enjoyed this post, and would like some more videos to watch, try these ones out! John Gottman is well known for his research on marriage.
John Gottman Information videos:
Improve marriage in 30 seconds:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o
References:
Stanley, Scott; Roades, Galena Kline; Markham, Howard, J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Retrieved from: http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf
Utah State University (2014) Communication, Conflict, and Commitment. Retrieved from: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_9.html
Wopert, Stuart (2012) Here is what commitment to your marriag emeans. Retrieved from: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064
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