Communication in Marriage Workshop

Learn how to effectively communicate in your marriage!
Watch the clip below and pick out the non-verbal communication between the characters.

Commitment in Marriage

                                             

True Commitment in Marriage

Marriage begins and often times the commitment may be too much for some people. But commitment in marriage is what it is all about. When a couple decides to take that step of marriage, they must realize that it is more that just ending the marriage when they aren’t happy.

Commitment: 

1. “a promise to do or give something.”
2. “a promise to be loyal to someone or something.”
3. “the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment)

The three definitions above put this perfectly! Each talks about the importance of a commitment and what actually takes place when you make that commitment. These definitions put into perspective what commitment actually means, and why it is so important that we are aware of the commitment we are making when we step into marriage. It is not only through the easy times we are committed to our spouse, but through every time and experience, no matter what, as the definitions mentions, “a promise.”

Scott Stanley has done some excellent research on why people decide to get married or cohabit. He uses a term called “Sliding versus Deciding” in which he explains that most often relationships in which the partners are living together often do no decided first handedly that they are going to live together, but rather they “slide” into the relationship and the cohabiting (Stanley, p. 507, video speech). The trouble with this is that often times women get the brunt of the relationship because, “Women get pregnant, not men. Women disproportionately do the work of raising those children when the relationship ends.... Women may have more to lose by sliding through relationship transitions” (Stanley, p. 508-9). When the couple cohabits, there is less commitment in the relationship, therefore when tough times come up, one partner may decide that he or she “wasn’t committed anyways” and leave. It is basically an open door for people to leave the relationship if something hard or difficult arises, or if they just decide to be done with it. As the years go by, there is also a great need of commitment in marriage. The view of marriage has become less and less important, and it appears that divorce is just as easy to get as breaking up.

Stanley (2006, video) also mentions something that is very important to keep in mind. He starts with telling a story about the dog that his wife and he got (check out the video for the pictures and the full story!). He shares that people fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but asks, “What is the most important part to remember?” And that is, all puppies have a back end. Being aware of this and realizing that relationships are exactly the same, it can prepare you for marriage and commitment in realizing that your relationship (marriage) is not always going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. Remember, all puppies have back ends, and keeping this in mind will help you to remember that marriage is full of good and possibly easy things but there are also there hard and devastating events. But, it is all about the commitment between you and your spouse. Deciding from the beginning that you are going to stick together through it all, through all the stress, the schooling, the children, no matter what, you will find more fulfillment in your marriage in knowing that you are there for the long haul.

“In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make, Bradbury and Karney said” (Wolpert, p. 1).

"’Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,’" Bradbury said. ‘Often, we don't have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, 'You're wrong, I'm right.' When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.’ The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said." (Wolpert, p. 1).

Compromising begins the first day you are married. I am sure all those who have been married any amount of time has realized this. During the dating years, it’s just different, but marriage comes and then there’s two people, with different backgrounds, different ways of cleaning, relaxing, and different ways of raising children. The thing about different is, it’s not a bad thing. It actually helps us to open our minds and realize there are more ways to do something. Therefore, we must be ready and prepared to look at our spouses and see them as the person we love, and be willing to work together to work things out. This is a great way to show commitment to your spouse, as it shows him/her that you are wiling to listen and work something out so both of you are satisfied.

“Human beings have a need to be a part of secure, stable, and long-term relationships. That requires commitment. In strong marriages, couples are committed not only to the welfare of the relationship but also to the growth of one another. Commitment to the marriage is the basis for a husband and wife giving their time and energy to couple-related activities. Couples who have not thought through or are unsure about their commitment to one another will have difficulty staying married because when the tough times come they will be quick to run the other way” (Utah State University, p. 1).

Activity:

Watch the video below with your spouse and discuss what commitment means to you

Scott stanley commitment in marriage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM 

If you enjoyed this post, and would like some more videos to watch, try these ones out! John Gottman is well known for his research on marriage.

John Gottman Information videos:

Improve marriage in 30 seconds:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o

References:

Stanley, Scott; Roades, Galena Kline; Markham, Howard, J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Retrieved from: http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf 

Utah State University (2014) Communication, Conflict, and Commitment. Retrieved from: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_9.html 

Wopert, Stuart (2012) Here is what commitment to your marriag emeans. Retrieved from: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064 

Forgiveness in Marriage

Recently, my husband and I moved to a new town. He is working on a farm, and before hand we did not realize the time commitment that farming requires. Yet, we are happy with where we are and see the positive things in our new life... most of the time. One Friday, my husband gave me a call and asked me on a date, something that he hasn’t done for quite a while! I was very excited because I don’t usually get out, as I have found that it is a lot of work to keep a house clean, the yard taken care of, homework, internship, meals throughout the day, and make sure that my 1 1/2 year old is happy, learning, and just taken care of. We usually stay home, therefore, a night to go out with my husband sounded like so much fun! That afternoon, I cleaned up the house, showered, and got all ready for the evening. At about 5 o’clock, I got a call from my husband explaining that they were smoothing out a field in which they planned to plant the following week. He didn’t know when he was going to be done, but invited me to come and ride in the tractor with him. I got my little boy ready and we went and drove in the tractor for about 30 minutes. While driving along (at this point I was a little bummed because I had gotten so excited to go into town with him), he got a call asking what his plans were for the night and how long he wanted to work. After discussing with another farmer and figuring things out, he chose that he would stay and finish the field. I got the cue. That being that I would have another night at home by myself. After a short time in the tractor, I realized I needed to run to the grocery store, so I jumped in my car and left, as my husband continued to smooth out his field in his giant tractor.

By this point, I was close to tears. It had already been an overwhelming week, and I just needed a break. I decided my little boy and I would travel to the little town south of our home and run to the grocery store. When I got there, I found that it had closed 10 minutes before. I was recognizing that I was just having plain bad luck! But, we just went home and enjoyed the evening together. My husband got home at 11 that night, which was fine, since the next day was Saturday! He said that they just had water they were changing, which usually took about one hour.

Saturday came and he was out of the house by 7 am. I kept myself busy, and at about 9 am, I got a text saying that there were some problems with the pumps and water, therefore it would be about 12 when he would be home. I still thought that this was fine because I had a lot I needed to do as I was preparing to visit family the following week. One came, then two, three past by, and I was just more and more frustrated with each passing hour. I just felt I needed him home to help me with some projects we had been working on. At four I finally sent a text and asked how long it would take, because I really needed his help at home. He said that he honestly did not know, and said that they were working as fast as they could to get everything figured out for the weekend (it was over Memorial Day weekend). Finally, at 5:30 pm he shows up, and I was just in tears over the whole deal because as may wives have felt, I felt that his job was more important than his family.

We were talking about it that evening, which can often be a serious subject as you discuss what is best for you and your spouse, the family as well as the overall situation. My husband looked at me, with bright blue, caring eyes, and a look on his face that I knew he felt horrible about how busy his job has been. He looked at me in the eyes and said, “Sweetheart, it’s not like I love you more than tractors.” I looked at him with a confused look, then realized that he had completely said the opposite of what he meant!  I burst into laughter as he sat confused. After a good laugh, we were able to recognize that things come up, and after he asked 100 times for forgiveness, we realized that life goes on and in order to be happy and realize the blessing we have of being married, we must learn that we are not perfect, therefore our actions are not perfect, and that forgiveness is essential in marriage.

Forgiveness is not just something that is discussed in a church meeting, but it is actually an essential characteristic in a marriage, as Dr. Frank Fincham mentions. He shares that forgiveness has an incredible impact not only on the actual marriage, but also on the individual’s health.

What happens to your body when you do not forgive:

- Fear

- Anger

- Higher heart rate

- Higher blood pressure

- Eye and brow muscle tension

(Fincham, 2013 Video)

To put it simply, if your heart is at a high rate for extended periods of time, Fincham (2013) mentions that it can cause heart disease (because of high blood pressure for long periods of time) and death! For me, I was able to put into perspective the importance of forgiveness in a person’s individual life. But, that is not all that it affects.

When there is distrust in marriage because of actions that could cause problems, or maybe there were accidents that occurred in the relationship, forgiveness is the only thing that can make it right. It is the only thing that makes you stop thinking of yourself and realize that the other person is a human being, with thoughts, feelings, ideas, and they are not perfect. No person on this earth is, therefore, we should not expect perfect actions from imperfect people. The thing about forgiveness is, “We forgive in full knowledge that we have been wronged” (Fincham 2013 video). That is the main point that is essential in understanding, we know that we have been wronged, but we are okay with realizing that. Once you get to the point of forgiveness, you do realize that someone else’s needs are more important than your own, and when one notices another’s needs first, that is true love. “You cannot truly love until you forgive” (Fincham, 2013 video).

Now Dr. Fincham did not say that forgiveness is easy. He didn’t even say that it was enjoyable or simple. But rather, “Forgiveness is not an act, it is a process” (Fincham, 2013 video). It takes time, it takes understanding, and it takes effort to really forgive someone, especially your spouse. When in reality, forgiving your spouse should be a pleasure because you married that person, you love that person, and you have committed to each other to work together and work things out. Think about that for a bit.

In the situation I explained above, my husband and I were fortunate that we were able to have an experience to put into perspective how silly I was being. I was able to realize that really, the situation happened, it was over, and we were both going to strive to be a better spouse. Once that laughter happened, it truly changed the feelings in the room in a way that just makes me look back fondly on that memory. Even though my husband completely did not mean to switch his words around, he said it at just the right time that we were able to look at the situation from a different, and more understandable angle.

Fincham (2004) mentioned, “...the importance of forgiveness for marital conflict and its implications for spouse goals” helps you to better understand who your spouse is, and the purpose of forgiving them. In the experience above, I was able to realize that my husband loves me, he wants to spend time with me, but his work is very time consuming.

Do you have any suggestions on how we can manage our time and spend time together though it is limited? What activities could we do?

Activity:

Sit down with your spouse.

Discuss a recent topic in which you both feel that forgiveness needs to be involved.

Discuss why you feel that there needs to be forgiveness.

Remember to think of your spouse, not yourself.

Come up with a solution to the problem and forgive each other for whatever problem you discuss

There really are positive, “benefits associated with interpersonal forgiveness” (Kachadourian, 2004) that can increase marital satisfaction and understanding. Which leads to? Overall better intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is what marriage is all about. It is about learning to grow and go with your spouse. It is about being together, working together, and forgiving one another. The benefits of forgiveness in marriage are endless.

One thing to “Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score,”  (Hopler, p. 1). You should also take this thought into considerations, “Learn to bend – not break!” (Hopler, p. 1).

But, these thoughts are not all. “Several recent research studies have also shown links between forgiveness and romance among couples. A 2011 University of Tennessee study showed that offended romantic partners who forgave their offending partners were more satisfied with that state of their romantic relationships than spouses who refused to forgive. When romantic partners such as spouses forgive each other, a 2009 George Mason University study found, they often experience a restoration of both closeness and commitment following transgressions between them. Finally, a 2007 University of Miami study found that the higher the levels of forgiveness in a marriage, the more couples reported feeling satisfied with their lives and the more likely they were to experience positive moods rather than negative moods, which often put them in the right mood for romance” (Hopler, p. 1). There will be more love, peace, and intimacy within a home there is forgiveness.

“Touch is a powerful way to express both forgiveness and romantic passion, because it communicates deep feelings in simple ways. Incorporate non-sexual, affectionate touch (such as hugs and holding hands) into your time together whenever possible. Gradually, as God heals both of you through the forgiveness process, the desire for sexual touch will return to your relationship” (Hopler, p.1).

Take the initiative to look at your spouse as a person. See them for what they can become, rather than what they are. In looking in this positive manner, you will be able to find a relationship full of forgiveness and love.

View this for Dr. Frank Fincham’s entire presentation on Forgiveness in marriage.

References:

Fincham, Frank (2004). Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage. Retrieved from: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/18/1/72/ 

Kachadourian, Lorig K.; Fincham, Frank (2004). The tendency to forgive in dating and married couples: the role of attachment relationship satisfaction. Retrieved from:http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00088.x/abstract 

Hopler, Whitney, (2007). Forgiveness can restore romance in your marriage. Retrieved from: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-forgiveness-can-restore-romance-in-your-marriage.html?p=2 

Male and Female Communication

We all know men and women are different. But one thing I think we sometimes forget is the difference in communication between men and women. As a woman I sometimes get frustrated because my husband doesn’t express his feelings and always tries to “fix” my problems.   In order to improve emotional intimacy it’s important to understand some of the differences between men and women in communication so you can try to adapt your communication to the opposite sex.

These traits are not completely true for all men or women, but in general they show the difference in communication style. Understand that there is a difference in communication can help with more effective communication with your spouse.

How to Show Your Spouse Love and Support

Whether it's work, school, or new endeavors in life...your spouse needs to feel your love and support. With your added help they can rise to their full potential and reach their goals! Here are a few tips on how to help and show your support:

Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

Hello! 

My name is Deidre and I blog over at Love, The Skinnys. Let me tell you a little about my husband and I...we are busy people. My husband, Adam, has been in Arizona and Montana living his baseball dream. And while he is there I have been in Utah and Idaho working my dream job and volunteering for Miss Idaho. We aren't in the typcial long distance relationship because we aren't just dating...we are married. But the same rules and feelings apply. Time apart is hard, but it doesn't have to be impossible. Here are some tips from our relationship that has made the time apart easier. We are keeping the spark alive through our long distance dating. And I truly believe our relationship will only be stronger when he comes back.

1. Save Your Conversation. 

Don't text all day, every day. Save your conversation for a nightly phone call. When you spend all day texting each other you will have nothing to say at night. During the day we will text each other questions, funny things that come up, quick snippets or a story that needs to be told while talking, and quick I love yous... but we are careful to share EVERY detail of our day throughout the day. We want to have meaningful conversation at night, not just a phone call because it "should happen". 

Why It's Important to Communicate With Your Spouse

{Via "4 Steps to Better Communication}

We all know that guys aren't typically the ones to talk about their thoughts and feelings (but despite that stereotype) it is still essential to have an open dialogue in your marriage. Without communication you aren't friends, lovers, or spouses...you are just roommates! Communication helps to create a forum in which you are safe to talk about your fears, dreams, and frustrations with one another.
So, why exactly is it important to communicate with your spouse?

1. It Brings Emotional Intimacy
With emotional intimacy you feel secure, loved, needed, and understood by your spouse. With emotional intimacy comes physical intimacy, which will help to reinforce the love and commitment you have with your partner. This circular pattern of emotional and physical intimacy is what keeps the flame in your relationship still strong and bright!

Stop Fighting

Arguing with your spouse will not bring about the peace you crave in your marriage and life.  

Check out these articles about what to avoid when fighting with your husband/wife to make it a "fair" fight. Healthy fighting and communication is necessary in order for you to grow closer to one another and to learn in your relationship. Read the articles and leave your thoughts in the comment section below!

"Marriage Problems: 5 Words That Will Ruin Your Marriage"

The Gottman Institue Relationship Blog: Specifically, read about the Four Horsemen