Recently, my husband and I moved to a new town. He is working on a farm, and before hand we did not realize the time commitment that farming requires. Yet, we are happy with where we are and see the positive things in our new life... most of the time. One Friday, my husband gave me a call and asked me on a date, something that he hasn’t done for quite a while! I was very excited because I don’t usually get out, as I have found that it is a lot of work to keep a house clean, the yard taken care of, homework, internship, meals throughout the day, and make sure that my 1 1/2 year old is happy, learning, and just taken care of. We usually stay home, therefore, a night to go out with my husband sounded like so much fun! That afternoon, I cleaned up the house, showered, and got all ready for the evening. At about 5 o’clock, I got a call from my husband explaining that they were smoothing out a field in which they planned to plant the following week. He didn’t know when he was going to be done, but invited me to come and ride in the tractor with him. I got my little boy ready and we went and drove in the tractor for about 30 minutes. While driving along (at this point I was a little bummed because I had gotten so excited to go into town with him), he got a call asking what his plans were for the night and how long he wanted to work. After discussing with another farmer and figuring things out, he chose that he would stay and finish the field. I got the cue. That being that I would have another night at home by myself. After a short time in the tractor, I realized I needed to run to the grocery store, so I jumped in my car and left, as my husband continued to smooth out his field in his giant tractor.
By this point, I was close to tears. It had already been an overwhelming week, and I just needed a break. I decided my little boy and I would travel to the little town south of our home and run to the grocery store. When I got there, I found that it had closed 10 minutes before. I was recognizing that I was just having plain bad luck! But, we just went home and enjoyed the evening together. My husband got home at 11 that night, which was fine, since the next day was Saturday! He said that they just had water they were changing, which usually took about one hour.
Saturday came and he was out of the house by 7 am. I kept myself busy, and at about 9 am, I got a text saying that there were some problems with the pumps and water, therefore it would be about 12 when he would be home. I still thought that this was fine because I had a lot I needed to do as I was preparing to visit family the following week. One came, then two, three past by, and I was just more and more frustrated with each passing hour. I just felt I needed him home to help me with some projects we had been working on. At four I finally sent a text and asked how long it would take, because I really needed his help at home. He said that he honestly did not know, and said that they were working as fast as they could to get everything figured out for the weekend (it was over Memorial Day weekend). Finally, at 5:30 pm he shows up, and I was just in tears over the whole deal because as may wives have felt, I felt that his job was more important than his family.
We were talking about it that evening, which can often be a serious subject as you discuss what is best for you and your spouse, the family as well as the overall situation. My husband looked at me, with bright blue, caring eyes, and a look on his face that I knew he felt horrible about how busy his job has been. He looked at me in the eyes and said, “Sweetheart, it’s not like I love you more than tractors.” I looked at him with a confused look, then realized that he had completely said the opposite of what he meant! I burst into laughter as he sat confused. After a good laugh, we were able to recognize that things come up, and after he asked 100 times for forgiveness, we realized that life goes on and in order to be happy and realize the blessing we have of being married, we must learn that we are not perfect, therefore our actions are not perfect, and that forgiveness is essential in marriage.
Forgiveness is not just something that is discussed in a church meeting, but it is actually an essential characteristic in a marriage, as Dr. Frank Fincham mentions. He shares that forgiveness has an incredible impact not only on the actual marriage, but also on the individual’s health.
What happens to your body when you do not forgive:
- Fear
- Anger
- Higher heart rate
- Higher blood pressure
- Eye and brow muscle tension
(Fincham, 2013 Video)
To put it simply, if your heart is at a high rate for extended periods of time, Fincham (2013) mentions that it can cause heart disease (because of high blood pressure for long periods of time) and death! For me, I was able to put into perspective the importance of forgiveness in a person’s individual life. But, that is not all that it affects.
When there is distrust in marriage because of actions that could cause problems, or maybe there were accidents that occurred in the relationship, forgiveness is the only thing that can make it right. It is the only thing that makes you stop thinking of yourself and realize that the other person is a human being, with thoughts, feelings, ideas, and they are not perfect. No person on this earth is, therefore, we should not expect perfect actions from imperfect people. The thing about forgiveness is, “We forgive in full knowledge that we have been wronged” (Fincham 2013 video). That is the main point that is essential in understanding, we know that we have been wronged, but we are okay with realizing that. Once you get to the point of forgiveness, you do realize that someone else’s needs are more important than your own, and when one notices another’s needs first, that is true love. “You cannot truly love until you forgive” (Fincham, 2013 video).
Now Dr. Fincham did not say that forgiveness is easy. He didn’t even say that it was enjoyable or simple. But rather, “Forgiveness is not an act, it is a process” (Fincham, 2013 video). It takes time, it takes understanding, and it takes effort to really forgive someone, especially your spouse. When in reality, forgiving your spouse should be a pleasure because you married that person, you love that person, and you have committed to each other to work together and work things out. Think about that for a bit.
In the situation I explained above, my husband and I were fortunate that we were able to have an experience to put into perspective how silly I was being. I was able to realize that really, the situation happened, it was over, and we were both going to strive to be a better spouse. Once that laughter happened, it truly changed the feelings in the room in a way that just makes me look back fondly on that memory. Even though my husband completely did not mean to switch his words around, he said it at just the right time that we were able to look at the situation from a different, and more understandable angle.
Fincham (2004) mentioned, “...the importance of forgiveness for marital conflict and its implications for spouse goals” helps you to better understand who your spouse is, and the purpose of forgiving them. In the experience above, I was able to realize that my husband loves me, he wants to spend time with me, but his work is very time consuming.
Do you have any suggestions on how we can manage our time and spend time together though it is limited? What activities could we do?
Activity:
Sit down with your spouse.
Discuss a recent topic in which you both feel that forgiveness needs to be involved.
Discuss why you feel that there needs to be forgiveness.
Remember to think of your spouse, not yourself.
Come up with a solution to the problem and forgive each other for whatever problem you discuss
There really are positive, “benefits associated with interpersonal forgiveness” (Kachadourian, 2004) that can increase marital satisfaction and understanding. Which leads to? Overall better intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is what marriage is all about. It is about learning to grow and go with your spouse. It is about being together, working together, and forgiving one another. The benefits of forgiveness in marriage are endless.
One thing to “Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score,” (Hopler, p. 1). You should also take this thought into considerations, “Learn to bend – not break!” (Hopler, p. 1).
But, these thoughts are not all. “Several recent research studies have also shown links between forgiveness and romance among couples. A 2011 University of Tennessee study showed that offended romantic partners who forgave their offending partners were more satisfied with that state of their romantic relationships than spouses who refused to forgive. When romantic partners such as spouses forgive each other, a 2009 George Mason University study found, they often experience a restoration of both closeness and commitment following transgressions between them. Finally, a 2007 University of Miami study found that the higher the levels of forgiveness in a marriage, the more couples reported feeling satisfied with their lives and the more likely they were to experience positive moods rather than negative moods, which often put them in the right mood for romance” (Hopler, p. 1). There will be more love, peace, and intimacy within a home there is forgiveness.
“Touch is a powerful way to express both forgiveness and romantic passion, because it communicates deep feelings in simple ways. Incorporate non-sexual, affectionate touch (such as hugs and holding hands) into your time together whenever possible. Gradually, as God heals both of you through the forgiveness process, the desire for sexual touch will return to your relationship” (Hopler, p.1).
Take the initiative to look at your spouse as a person. See them for what they can become, rather than what they are. In looking in this positive manner, you will be able to find a relationship full of forgiveness and love.
View this for Dr. Frank Fincham’s entire presentation on Forgiveness in marriage.
References:
Fincham, Frank (2004). Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage. Retrieved from: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/18/1/72/
Kachadourian, Lorig K.; Fincham, Frank (2004). The tendency to forgive in dating and married couples: the role of attachment relationship satisfaction. Retrieved from:http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00088.x/abstract
Hopler, Whitney, (2007). Forgiveness can restore romance in your marriage. Retrieved from: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-forgiveness-can-restore-romance-in-your-marriage.html?p=2
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