Memories

Memories. They are the things that comprise our past, our relationships, and what future may behold us. When I think about some of my favorite memories with my husband, as we were dating, engaged, and those first weeks and months we were married, I get those little feelings within my heart of the love I feel toward him. It is an amazing thing to look back and see what you have been through together, and through remembering those good times (and the hard times when you were able to work things out) the relationship can grow and become even stronger. This is where intimacy begins. It begins in those first beginnings in which you meet, get to know one another, and decide, that person is the one in which you wish to spend your life. And this is the exact reason memories will continue to bring about joy and happiness in your marriage, because they are the very thing that have made the marriage what it is today. John Gottman (1999) came up with a questionnaire and book discussing principles that help marriages to work. His book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, goes through a variety of exercises and questions that helps married couples see where their relationship is and where it is going.
A key point that Gottman (1999) makes is that marriages are based on deep friendship. The way a friendship grows is through experiences and memories. In it’s simplicity, this song by Jack Johnson really does help me to see that replaying past memories and remembering the good and hard times bring a relationship closer together. He does mention, however, that bad memories, if that is all that the couple can recall, could be detrimental to a relationship (Gottman, p. 3). I truly believe that all relationships have positive memories, and if you strive to find the positive memories that brought the two of you closer together, it is likely that you will indeed find yourself a more intimate couple.

            

I personally believe that this song by Jack Johnson is a perfect example on how memories can change us, influence us, and make our marriages meaningful. I love the point when he mentions the little apartment they moved into and how the piano took up the room! My husband and my first apartment was a one bedroom, tiny little thing, but we loved it, and we have great memories of our beginning there. Jack goes onto explain that they would play little songs together and just enjoy themselves, no matter the size of the apartment.

           

A recent article in the Psychology Today mentions an interesting note on married couples remembering past times. Susan Krauss Whitbourne (2014) mentioned a study that was done with a total of 52 couples. The couples were put to the test as they were to describe and tell their partner and memories in the past about their relationship. The happy couples reported that they felt more intimate and closer to their partners after the exercises. It was an wonderful article that helped me to see that memories are very important in all relationships! There were also some excellent tips that were given about couples and memories.

 “Tip #1: 

 Reminiscing about the “way we were” could bring out painful reminders about                 how unhappy you are if you’re in an unsatisfactory relationship. However, you could break the vicious cycle by monitoring yourselves to make sure that you don’t engage in invalidating, critical, or other negative behaviors. Agree ahead of time that you’ll call “time out” if one partner starts to invalidate the other’s memory or become excessively negative.

“Tip #2: 

Get out some of your old photos or videos, and relive those positive events from   your past using these as cues. Play music from that era, or even from the event itself such as the music you danced to at your wedding.  As in Tip #1, put a moratorium on negative or destructive comments (e.g. “I never liked you in those pants, why did you wear them?”). 

“Tip #3: 

Take a page from the happy couples’ playbook and use laughter and pride in your joint coping ability when recalling things that didn’t go as planned.   

“Tip #4: 

 If the reminiscing is making you sad, ask yourself why. Is the pain you’re feeling due to regret over the fact that you’re so unhappy now? By allowing yourself to admit that you do feel sad that your relationship has lost its initial glow, you may be breaking down some of those defenses that have prevented you from seeking to restore that past intimacy” (Whitbourne).

There is a key part in the song where Jack goes onto share an experience when he is watching the tree burn down, the tree in which they build their treehouse. He took a picture that he doesn’t enjoy looking at, and yet, this is a memory that he brings up. Each marriage goes through fun times and difficult times, each different depending on the marriage and the relationship of the people in the marriage. But, I truly believe that this little thought helps me to better understand that when we make it through the difficult times and work together as a couple, the relationship is even stronger than before. When those memories are brought up where you and your spouse were able to work together through a difficult time may prove that the love is more closely entwined, and the people in that marriage relationship know they can depend on one another in all situations throughout their marriage. This is intimacy of a most special nature. It is the experiencing and knowing that your partner was there through those hard times, and together, you were able to make it out. Together, you were able to withstand those difficult times, whether one partner needed the support of their spouse or both needed it from the other. These times may include the death of a loved one, moving away from a loved home, or just the simple stresses from day to day. When you can support your spouse or your spouse can support you, a memory of love and strength is born.

Activity

After listening to this song, and maybe rereading the lyrics, I invite you to join together for a little activity!

1.  Pull out pictures, scrapbooks, journals, or memories from your mind.

2.  Sit down with your spouse and look at the pictures together, read the journals, and talk about the memories you have together.

3.  Write down the feelings and thoughts you had as you did this activity with your spouse.

This is a very simple activity, but I know that it proves to bring two people close together! My husband and I often talk about past experiences, and we often find ourselves laughing! The funny memories usually pop out quite quickly, and before we know it, we are laughing and just having a jolly time together. I would like to share a few of my memories with you!

            

My husband and I like to be goofy, and we have had some quite funny experiences! Last Christmas we decided to get our Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving. We were so excited because our little boy was old enough to take notice of it (just past age one). We got to the Valley Wide Home and Ranch store and quickly chose the bushiest and most lovely tree we could find. We paid for the tree and then looked at our car: we had no way to transport it to our little home! We didn’t have ropes or anything that could hold it on top of our car. Then, we came up with the brilliant idea to open the sun roof we had and just hold the tree as we drove home! we threw the tree on top of our car, and we were off! Of course, we may not have thought everything through, as before we knew it, our hands we freezing in the sub zero degree weather, but there was so stopping now! Pine needles were dropping into our car, and the most hilarious thing is when we looked in the review mirror, the cars behind us were probably an eighth mile away, as they could see the little dilemma we were in, and they did not want their car to be involved if our hands slipped and let go of the tree! We were grateful that we did make it home in safety without ever letting go of our Christmas tree. Though our hands were frozen and covered in sap from the tree, it was a memory in the making! We laugh about that was very often!

            

A second memory happened very recently! One that I know is just too funny to pass up. My husband, little boy, and I moved into a little rental house in the middle of a farm. I loved everything about it! Open fields, sprinklers at night, clear blue skies. Everything about it just made me love the farming life more and more. Before our move, my dad gave me an old birdhouse that he and I built, for us to put on a power pole near our house. I was excited to put the birdhouse us have have little birds join us in our open field. My husband and I took the birdhouse out near the pole and we realized that we needed it to be higher than my husband was tall. We thought for a moment, then decided that I could just get on his shoulders then it would be 2-3 feet higher than we planned. We quickly got arranged and I was up high off the ground on my husband’s shoulders. Our little boy was on the ground looking up as I began screwing the birdhouse to the pole, manually as we did not have an electric screwdriver. I got the first screw in, and all was well, although I am sure we looked like a very funny couple, and I wish we could have gotten a picture! I started screwing in the next screw, when the screw driver began to slip from my hand. The screw quickly fell to the ground, as I juggled the screwdriver for an instant before I lost contact with it. It came falling down, bonking my head, shoulder, then falling about 8 feet to land right on my little boy’s head! It took him only a moment to calm him down, and he was okay, but just rethinking about this silly memory just makes me laugh, as I picture myself high on my husband’s shoulders and then thinking about my little boy’s goose egg on his head for the next two days. Memories! They are what bring us together.

Join with your spouse in remembering past memories. It is a great activity that will surely bring you closer together.

References:

Gottman, John; Silver, Nan (1999) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationships Expert.

Whitbourne, Susan Krauss (2014) Remembering the Good Old Days Can Revive Your Relationship. Retrieved From:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/remembering-the-good-old-days-can-revive-your-relationship