This blog is a way for couples to improve their marriage through improved intimacy, communication, and love. There are links and a search bar on the left to help you navigate the blog easier. Since this blog is about improving marital intimacy all of the post will discuss some aspect of marital intimacy; however, some posts will cover more than one topic. The tabs on the top of the page are there to help you learn more about our intimacy workshop. This workshop can help couples recover from poor marital intimacy caused by an assortment of problems.
Please feel free to leave feedback and enjoy the adventure.
I wanted to try something new and see what others thought about emotional intimacy and how they think they increase it in their own marriages. I started interviewing each one of my siblings, their spouses, and my parents on how they increase intimacy in marriage. Each one of them came up with some awesome ideas. It is amazing how over time and through experience you get to know your spouse better and you learn how to grow closer to them. I was grateful the thoughts and feelings they shared with me.
Some of their ideas are as follows:
Go on walks together
Hold hands when in public and private
Read a book together that you both enjoy
Give each other massages
Open the door for one another
Go on weekly dates with each other
Watch a movie and cuddle with one another
Talk and listen
Play a board game together
Laugh together, cry together
There are so many different ideas that you could come up with besides what was listed above.
Activity #1
1. Sit down with your spouse and discuss ideas that you two would enjoy that would bring you closer together emotionally. You can use some of what is listed above or come up with your own that are unique to your relationship.
2. Once you have a list of at least ten different ideas, practice.
3. Take at least 20 minutes each night to practice and grow closer together emotionally.
In Psychology Today there was and article written by Linda and Charlie Bloom and I love what they say about emotional intimacy, “Deep intimacy requires a high level of transparency and openness. This involves a degree of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable or anxiety producing to many of us. These feelings do, however, tend to diminish and even dissolve over time and with practice”.
Developing emotional intimacy is not always an easy process to complete within each marital relationship. But like the Bloom’s said the feelings that may come go away over time and with practice, so we need to practice.
Reference: Bloom, L. Bloom, C. (2013). Stronger at the broken places. Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201303/emotional-intimacy
There are so many ways that couples can grow closer together
intimately. One of those ways is through spiritual intimacy and that sometimes
can be one of the hardest types of intimacy to achieve. Every individual has a
different relationship with God and are all at different levels with Him. Some
may not even believe in God. When individuals join together in their faith and
beliefs they connect with each other and learn to be spiritually intimate with
each other.
This type of intimacy has brought my husband and I closer
together on so many different levels! The ways that we increase this level of
spiritual intimacy is by praying together every morning and evening, we read
scriptures together, we go to church together, and we then take opportunities
each week to talk about God or go to church events together. My husband and I
are of the same faith so it makes things a little easier because we agree on
religious matters.
This article on blending two spirituals life has so many
great ideas on how to increase spiritual intimacy in your marriage whether you
are of the same faith or not. The article points out ideas and
misunderstandings that occur when you and your spouse may be of different
faiths.
One thing that I want to mention is serving others. Even if
you don’t have a strong faith in God or Christ every person here on earth could
use some kind of service. Not only can service help us look outside of
ourselves but also brings couples together intimately as they strive to serve
those around them. On the website focus on the family they mention a few things
couple can do together;
“Join a small group.
Find a common bond that draws
you together, but beware of the tendency to get too exclusive with your
group. Be open to new members, invite your unchurched neighbors and do
outreach together. This will keep your group balanced and life-giving.
Become a mentor to someone younger.
Ask God to show you a couple or
single person you can take under your wing. Have dinner with them and get
to know their dreams, fears and concerns. Use the wisdom God has given you
to strengthen and encourage them. When you help someone grow, you grow stronger,
too.
Engage in community service.
Serve together at a food pantry.
Deliver groceries to a shut-in. Visit a widow, an elderly person or a
prisoner. Help a single parent by caring for her children and/or helping
with house maintenance.
Stay connected to your extended family.
Be intentional about making
plans with family members, and approach family get-togethers with a heart
to serve and love.
Be involved with your church family.
When life gets busy, it can be
tempting to disconnect, yet cutting yourselves off from the body of Christ
will only hurt you.”
Here is a story told by an author of familylife.com, H. Norman Wright who
wrote about a couple who experienced this increase of spiritual intimacy in
their marriage, “The young
woman in my office was animated, though not upset. "I never dreamed what
has happened in our marriage during the past year was possible," she said.
"We've gone along for years just sort of ho-hum. Nothing bad, nothing
spectacular—just steady. I guess we were in a rut. It was comfortable, and I
guess we felt, or I did, that this was the way it would always be. But Jim came
home from that men's conference and made all kinds of changes. Even though they
were mostly positive, it took me awhile to adjust. "The first
thing he did was come up to me and apologize for not telling me that he prayed
for me every day, and had for years. How would I have ever known? In fact,
that's what I started to say, but I caught myself and thanked him for telling
me. A week later he asked me how I would feel about praying together and
reading from the Bible occasionally. I have to laugh now because it's like he
wanted me to but wasn't sure how I would respond. So we did. "I can't
explain why or what happened, but there is this incredible sense of bonding or
closeness now that we never had before. We pray, we read, we share. Sometimes I
call him and pray a sentence prayer for him over the phone. He does the same.
And our sex life is a whole different story. Others have seen our relationship
change. And when they ask, we tell them. I guess we're finally experiencing
what the Bible says about cleaving in the full sense of the word." Spiritual
bonding. Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual closeness. Desired, yet avoided.
Available, yet elusive for so many.”
Just like this couple was able to
discover the great addition of spiritual intimacy in their marriage so can you
add this into your marriage. It will great bless your lives and you will feel
closer together than ever before.
Dr. Jennifer Kunst
said, “Troubles in life come when we believe the myth that the grass is always
greener on the other side of the fence. We are taken over by envy,
believing that other people have the good stuff and then feeling depressed,
anxious, and persecuted by the belief that we have so little. We are
taken over by greed, wanting more and more and more, feeling that what we have
cannot ever be enough”.
Sometimes in marriage we do the same thing. We look at the
other side of the fence and think, “Hey the grass is greener on that side”. It
can be really tempting to go to that other side where the grass looks greener,
but is it really?
Maybe you are not
looking hard enough on your side to realize it has been green all along it just
needed someone to take care of it. Water, fertilize, mow, and give it the
nutrients it needs to become what it used to be. You will have to put forth
some work no matter what side of the fence you are on.
We must tend the grass wherever we are.
This song by Rascal Flatts is a good example of a guy who is
happy with what he has. He’s got everything he will ever need with his girl by
his side. He looks for the qualities in her that makes him happy like her long
blonde hair or her big blue eyes. He appreciates how she takes off time from
work to be with him and how she loves to have fun with him. He focuses on the
positive instead of the negative qualities or things and events that may affect
their relationship.
Activity #1
1. Take the time to sit down with your spouse and each of
you write down the positive qualities that you like about one another.
2. Divide your paper into two sections. Section one is
qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse when you first met.
Section two is qualities and attributes that you admire about your spouse right
now.
3. Over time you will be able to think of more and more
qualities that you admire about your spouse, continue to write them down as a
good reminder of how much you love them.
4. Take turns sharing what you wrote about one another.
This activity should help you draw closer to one another and
to realize the grass is really greener on your side. You are lucky to be with
your spouse and you got everything you ever needed.
In an article written by Nathan Feiles, titled, The ‘Grass
is Greener’ Syndrome, it says, “When
the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing
personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a
partner, career, living environment, etc. We rely on polishing our external
environment to soothe a deeper internal dissatisfaction. Though the environment
changes when jumping the fence, after a brief internal high, without constant
stimulation and newness, the dissatisfaction becomes the same”.
If this is true then
it is not the fault of any person, job, house, or any other thing as to why we
think the grass is greener on the other side, it is our own fault. The
unhappiness is coming from within not from any outside source. If this is the case then how can we become
happy? How can we be satisfied with what we have right in front of us like this
song describes?
There are so many
different ways on how to be happy and satisfied with the life you have! You can
search the Internet and find a million ways but I will share just a few that
have helped me.
Stop
being frustrated
Sometimes there is nothing you can do and you have no
control over people or situations so replace anger with rational thinking. Just
stop! When you start to think rationally you will be able to clear your
thoughts and find a solution.
Be calm:
As you take time to stop and
think, meditate. Meditation has helped me to think clearly and purposefully. It
also allows me to remember the blessings and gifts that I have received and
that makes me very happy.
Don’t compare
yourself with others:
This is so easy to do and it is one of the biggest
things that make you think the grass is greener on the other side. When you
compare you don’t feel good about yourself and you become very unhappy.
Live simply and be
grateful:
You don’t have to own everything you “think” you want. Be simple
is the way you live and don’t forget to be grateful for everything you do have.
Become happy today:
Live life to the fullest and do it on purpose! Be meaningful in how you spend
your time and do things with those you love most. Don’t wait until tomorrow to become
happy.
James Marshall says, "The grass is greener on the side you water". Take his advice and water the grass that is on your side and it will turn greener than you ever could have imagined.
Finding trust in your marriage can bring about peace and
happiness in your marriage. Learning to count on one another to be there
through thick and thin creates a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. You
must commit from the beginning to realize that if you and your spouse count on
one another, you will find joy in spending time together, you will know you can
count on the other to love and support you, and you will find yourself wanting
to serve and care for your spouse even more than before. And all of these
things together provide the loving, kind relationship that each person desires
to have with their spouse.
“Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an
intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be
cultivated and nurtured” (Heller).
As Heller (2013) states, trust is probably the most important
ingredient to marriage. Why is it important to be there for your spouse? That
is what marriage is all about. Without trust and being willing to give
something up to be there for your spouse shows your spouse that you are more
important than anything else. That brings about peace, happiness, and marital
satisfaction. See each other and the needs of the other person, and strive to
meet those needs so your spouse that know that you will be there for them. The
trust between the two of you will grow, and your marriage will be blissful.
Heller (2013) gave some guidelines to building trust in your
marriage.
Guidelines give by Rabbi Heller:
1.Constantly
work to improve your communication skills.
a.Learn
to listen
b.Use
“I-statements”
2.Take
responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.
a.Mistrust
occurs when:
i.We
are afraid of rejection
ii.Feelings
of being ashamed for having needs
3.Be
positive and give pleasure
a.Express
5 positive things before one negative
4.Don’t
allow issues to go unresolved
a.Develop
problem solving skills
b.Resentment
occurs when issues go unresolved
5.Learn
to fight fair.
a.No
name calling or putdowns b.Keep to
the issue
c.Never
use “you never” or “you always”
d.Don’t
bring in the family members into the conversation (to support your case)
e.Time
out method can work great!
f.Don’t
start a discussion (fight) late at night (you’re both tired, therefore motions
may be out of control)
g.Use
“I-Statements”
Here are some great guidelines to start your marriage going in a
positive direction, where trust can be built. Try this activity with your
spouse:
Activity:
1.Sit
down with your spouse and go over the guidelines above.
2.Discuss
a time in which the two of you had a disagreement or one partner became
mistrustful of the other.
3.Go
through the steps again and resolve how the two of you could have handled the
discussion.
There are many things about marriage that can be difficult and
hard, but if there is that trust in the relationship, there can be the peace of
mind in the relationship knowing that you can count on the other person to be
there. That is what makes all the difference. A point that is essential to
remember states, “Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very
short time to destroy” (Heller, p. 1). Remember that it takes time and effort
to build trust in a relationship, and that is the very reason it is worth it to
strive to always be trustworthy. If you are, you will find that peace and
happiness in your marriage in knowing that both you and your partner can trust
one another through any experience you may go through.
Stress definitely has a way of getting into people’s lives,
whether for the good or for the bad! There are many different understandings of
stress, and through these different understandings (whether it is good, bad,
both, or neither) you are in charge of your life, therefore the most you can do
is learn about stress and figure out what works for you and your spouse.
National Geographic has created an excellent video concerning
stress. Many studies were done and show in this video. Take some time to watch
this video and you will be able to learn a great deal about stress and how it
may impact your life. Along with that, don’t forget that when you are married,
the things that affect your life affect many other people, including your
spouse and children (just to name a few). See how stress may affect your life
as well as the lives of those around you.
Activity:
1.Follow
the link and watch the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyBsy5SQxqU, or watch the video above (It is about one hour
long, so it is a great date night with your spouse!).
2.Discuss
with your spouse the aspects of positive and negative aspects of stress in your
marriage.
3.Go
through the following questions:
a.What
connections can you see between stress and the fight/flight reaction?
b.Why does
the body release different stress hormones when the situation is not life
threatening.
c.How
does stress and weight gain have in common? Does one lead to another?
d.Do
you think the studies done on monkeys can be used for our benefit on learning
about stress?
e.What
is your perception of stress after watching the video?
4.Discuss
how you and your spouse can support each other in stress and come up with comes
ways you can, as a couple and individually, cope with stress.
