Count On Me

You Can Count on Me

By: Bruno Mars

Finding trust in your marriage can bring about peace and happiness in your marriage. Learning to count on one another to be there through thick and thin creates a strong, healthy, lasting relationship. You must commit from the beginning to realize that if you and your spouse count on one another, you will find joy in spending time together, you will know you can count on the other to love and support you, and you will find yourself wanting to serve and care for your spouse even more than before. And all of these things together provide the loving, kind relationship that each person desires to have with their spouse.

“Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured” (Heller).

As Heller (2013) states, trust is probably the most important ingredient to marriage. Why is it important to be there for your spouse? That is what marriage is all about. Without trust and being willing to give something up to be there for your spouse shows your spouse that you are more important than anything else. That brings about peace, happiness, and marital satisfaction. See each other and the needs of the other person, and strive to meet those needs so your spouse that know that you will be there for them. The trust between the two of you will grow, and your marriage will be blissful.

Heller (2013) gave some guidelines to building trust in your marriage.

Guidelines give by Rabbi Heller:

1.  Constantly work to improve your communication skills.

    a.  Learn to listen

    b. Use “I-statements”

2.  Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.

    a.  Mistrust occurs when:

            i.    We are afraid of rejection

            ii.   Feelings of being ashamed for having needs

3.  Be positive and give pleasure

    a.  Express 5 positive things before one negative

4.  Don’t allow issues to go unresolved

    a.  Develop problem solving skills

    b. Resentment occurs when issues go unresolved

5.  Learn to fight fair.

    a.  No name calling or putdowns
    b. Keep to the issue

    c.   Never use “you never” or “you always”

    d.  Don’t bring in the family members into the conversation (to support your case)

    e.  Time out method can work great!

    f.    Don’t start a discussion (fight) late at night (you’re both tired, therefore motions may be out of control)

    g.  Use “I-Statements”

Here are some great guidelines to start your marriage going in a positive direction, where trust can be built. Try this activity with your spouse:

Activity:

1.  Sit down with your spouse and go over the guidelines above.

2.  Discuss a time in which the two of you had a disagreement or one partner became mistrustful of the other.

3.  Go through the steps again and resolve how the two of you could have handled the discussion.

There are many things about marriage that can be difficult and hard, but if there is that trust in the relationship, there can be the peace of mind in the relationship knowing that you can count on the other person to be there. That is what makes all the difference. A point that is essential to remember states, “Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy” (Heller, p. 1). Remember that it takes time and effort to build trust in a relationship, and that is the very reason it is worth it to strive to always be trustworthy. If you are, you will find that peace and happiness in your marriage in knowing that both you and your partner can trust one another through any experience you may go through.

Heller, Rabbi Dov (2013). How to Build Trust in Marriage. Retrieved from:http://www.aish.com/f/m/48957116.html

National Geographic on Stress

Stress definitely has a way of getting into people’s lives, whether for the good or for the bad! There are many different understandings of stress, and through these different understandings (whether it is good, bad, both, or neither) you are in charge of your life, therefore the most you can do is learn about stress and figure out what works for you and your spouse.

National Geographic has created an excellent video concerning stress. Many studies were done and show in this video. Take some time to watch this video and you will be able to learn a great deal about stress and how it may impact your life. Along with that, don’t forget that when you are married, the things that affect your life affect many other people, including your spouse and children (just to name a few). See how stress may affect your life as well as the lives of those around you.

Activity:

1.  Follow the link and watch the following: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyBsy5SQxqU,  or watch the video above (It is about one hour long, so it is a great date night with your spouse!).

2.  Discuss with your spouse the aspects of positive and negative aspects of stress in your marriage.

3.  Go through the following questions:

a.  What connections can you see between stress and the fight/flight reaction?

b. Why does the body release different stress hormones when the situation is not life threatening.

c.   How does stress and weight gain have in common? Does one lead to another?

d.  Do you think the studies done on monkeys can be used for our benefit on learning about stress?

e.  What is your perception of stress after watching the video?

4.  Discuss how you and your spouse can support each other in stress and come up with comes ways you can, as a couple and individually, cope with stress.

Communication in Marriage Workshop

Learn how to effectively communicate in your marriage!
Watch the clip below and pick out the non-verbal communication between the characters.

Forgiveness in Marriage Workshop

Watch the video above to understand the importance of forgiveness in marriage. If you are interested, also watch the video below to learn even more about forgiveness in marriage. Enjoy!

Friendship

My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

A spouse is more that a lover. A spouse is a best friend. A spouse brings joy, happiness, but there may also be the hard times. But, deciding that your spouse is a friend, a best friend, that you can count on to talk to, be there for you, and just be your best friend.

I personally believe that your spouse is your best friend. A best friend is someone you want to be with, spend time with, share secrets with. I feel that it is very important that you look at your spouse as a friend, a best friend, because through that, you can learn to lean on one another through those rough times, and you can see that you will help each other through. That is what a best friend does.

“Marriage, if it is going to last, is about more than just being in love. True love means that you are not just in love, but you are also friends” (May, p. 1).

I really liked this quote because it really helped me to see the importance of being a friend with your spouse. True love is not being twitter-pated, or even getting butterflies when you see someone cute. Rather, true love is the lasting time together, the working things out together, and being there for one another. It is the friendship that you build together throughout your lifetime. Friendship, I feel, is an essential characteristic in marriage.

“Strong marriages have strong foundations in friendship. Don’t worry, you do not have to like your spouse all the time, but a relationship should have a healthy friendship and this friendship needs to be tended to and nurtured over the years. This friendship will help you grow together over the years as a couple” (May, p. 1).

So, you may have the question, “Well, I do love my spouse, but how can we become best friends?” Join in this activity with your spouse and find out how!

Activity:

Sit down with your spouse

“Make a list of what you would want in a best-friend” (Alexander, p. 1).

“Now become that person for your spouse. That’s right. Turn the table. Make this a list of the kind of friend you will become. I can promise you this: anyone who does half of these kinds of things will have more friends than he or she knows what to do with. But what if you focused this effort on your spouse? Think of the possibilities (Alexander, p. 1).

“Keep sowing the seeds, until the relationship blossoms. How long will it take to create this kind of relationship? It all depends on where you are starting. For some, it might be several months. For others, it might take years. Friendships are like gardens; they must be cultivated. The key is to be consistent and persistent—without expectations” (Alexander, p. 1).

To bring everything together, what is the most simple way to see your spouse as a friend? “This is really nothing more than the application of the Golden Rule to marriage: ‘Do to others what you would want them to do to you’ (Luke 6:31)” (Alexander, p. 1). This is something that we have been taught since elementary school, but have you every put it into play? Have you every treated someone the way you want to be treated? Think about it, try it out! See how you and your spouse are rewarded.

Take a look at the following qualities of friendship, and see where you can grow and learn to be a better friend to your spouse:

“Qualities of an Excellent Friendship

“Good communication; ability to share honestly about positive and difficult matters

“Acknowledgement and affirmation of positive qualities in each other

“Enjoyment of quiet, peaceful time together

“Play, fun, and laughter

“Acceptance; allowing both partners to be themselves

“Support and appropriate sympathy, empathy, and help during difficulties

“Enthusiasm for individual and shared goals and achievements

“Loving, spiritual connection (such as through prayer, meditation, activities)

“Encouragement

“Loyalty

“Trust that shared information will kept confidential and not used hurtfully

“Reliability; trustworthiness

“Willingness to suspend judgment and avoid jumping to conclusions

“Common experiences and bonding memories

“Ability to work together on projects

“Agreed-upon boundaries and expectations

“Shared interests

“Willingness to learn together and from one another

“Ability to disagree peacefully and constructively

“Shared values

“Ability to reconnect easily after being apart

“Motivational feedback or nudging that constructively influences the other to grow

“Attitude of forgiveness, not holding grudges, and willing to grant another chance

“Respectfulness and equality” (Alexander, p. 1).

There is always room to grow in every relationship. But, think about the relationship that is the most important: Your marriage relationship. It can be very important to work on the friendship with your spouse, because that relationship is one that can last and be happy for years to come. Friendship is indeed an important aspect of marriage.

“If couples would invest in one another like I am suggesting, the divorce rate would plummet. Romance is important. Sex is too. But a solid friendship is the foundation of everything else” (Hyatt, p. 1).

Reference:

Alexander, Susanne M. (no date). 24 Keys to Remaining Friends with your spouse. Retrieved from: http://simplemarriage.net/friends-with-your-spouse/ 

Hyatt, Michael (no date). How to become your spouse’s best friend. Retrieved from: http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-become-your-spouses-best-friend.html 

May, Adrienne (2012). Beyond loving your spouse: 25 ways to be a best friend. Retrieved from: http://www.veteransunited.com/spouse/beyond-loving-your-spouse-25-ways-best-friend-to-your-spouse/ 

Exercise in Marriage

Check this out for some information about exercise in marriage. Then watch the video below for some motivation to start working out!

Commitment in Marriage

                                             

True Commitment in Marriage

Marriage begins and often times the commitment may be too much for some people. But commitment in marriage is what it is all about. When a couple decides to take that step of marriage, they must realize that it is more that just ending the marriage when they aren’t happy.

Commitment: 

1. “a promise to do or give something.”
2. “a promise to be loyal to someone or something.”
3. “the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment)

The three definitions above put this perfectly! Each talks about the importance of a commitment and what actually takes place when you make that commitment. These definitions put into perspective what commitment actually means, and why it is so important that we are aware of the commitment we are making when we step into marriage. It is not only through the easy times we are committed to our spouse, but through every time and experience, no matter what, as the definitions mentions, “a promise.”

Scott Stanley has done some excellent research on why people decide to get married or cohabit. He uses a term called “Sliding versus Deciding” in which he explains that most often relationships in which the partners are living together often do no decided first handedly that they are going to live together, but rather they “slide” into the relationship and the cohabiting (Stanley, p. 507, video speech). The trouble with this is that often times women get the brunt of the relationship because, “Women get pregnant, not men. Women disproportionately do the work of raising those children when the relationship ends.... Women may have more to lose by sliding through relationship transitions” (Stanley, p. 508-9). When the couple cohabits, there is less commitment in the relationship, therefore when tough times come up, one partner may decide that he or she “wasn’t committed anyways” and leave. It is basically an open door for people to leave the relationship if something hard or difficult arises, or if they just decide to be done with it. As the years go by, there is also a great need of commitment in marriage. The view of marriage has become less and less important, and it appears that divorce is just as easy to get as breaking up.

Stanley (2006, video) also mentions something that is very important to keep in mind. He starts with telling a story about the dog that his wife and he got (check out the video for the pictures and the full story!). He shares that people fall in love with the front end of the puppy, but asks, “What is the most important part to remember?” And that is, all puppies have a back end. Being aware of this and realizing that relationships are exactly the same, it can prepare you for marriage and commitment in realizing that your relationship (marriage) is not always going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. Remember, all puppies have back ends, and keeping this in mind will help you to remember that marriage is full of good and possibly easy things but there are also there hard and devastating events. But, it is all about the commitment between you and your spouse. Deciding from the beginning that you are going to stick together through it all, through all the stress, the schooling, the children, no matter what, you will find more fulfillment in your marriage in knowing that you are there for the long haul.

“In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make, Bradbury and Karney said” (Wolpert, p. 1).

"’Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye,’" Bradbury said. ‘Often, we don't have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, 'You're wrong, I'm right.' When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are.’ The couples whose marriages lasted were better at this than the couples who divorced, Bradbury and Karney said." (Wolpert, p. 1).

Compromising begins the first day you are married. I am sure all those who have been married any amount of time has realized this. During the dating years, it’s just different, but marriage comes and then there’s two people, with different backgrounds, different ways of cleaning, relaxing, and different ways of raising children. The thing about different is, it’s not a bad thing. It actually helps us to open our minds and realize there are more ways to do something. Therefore, we must be ready and prepared to look at our spouses and see them as the person we love, and be willing to work together to work things out. This is a great way to show commitment to your spouse, as it shows him/her that you are wiling to listen and work something out so both of you are satisfied.

“Human beings have a need to be a part of secure, stable, and long-term relationships. That requires commitment. In strong marriages, couples are committed not only to the welfare of the relationship but also to the growth of one another. Commitment to the marriage is the basis for a husband and wife giving their time and energy to couple-related activities. Couples who have not thought through or are unsure about their commitment to one another will have difficulty staying married because when the tough times come they will be quick to run the other way” (Utah State University, p. 1).

Activity:

Watch the video below with your spouse and discuss what commitment means to you

Scott stanley commitment in marriage:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM 

If you enjoyed this post, and would like some more videos to watch, try these ones out! John Gottman is well known for his research on marriage.

John Gottman Information videos:

Improve marriage in 30 seconds:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o

References:

Stanley, Scott; Roades, Galena Kline; Markham, Howard, J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Retrieved from: http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf 

Utah State University (2014) Communication, Conflict, and Commitment. Retrieved from: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_9.html 

Wopert, Stuart (2012) Here is what commitment to your marriag emeans. Retrieved from: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/here-is-what-real-commitment-to-228064